She reached out to me, asking why I'd gone back to A, which I'm sure she'd figured out because of posts and status updates on Facebook.
It's hard to answer a question like that in a private message on a social networking site. I'd have much preferred to sit with her over a cup of coffee and fill her in on the events that led to my change of heart.
But, as I typed my long winded response to her, I knew I believed every word. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am today and although it's been messy and nasty at times, I feel it's been worthwhile.
Here is what I told her:
We separated in October after about a year and a half of crap. I had the affair in spring 2009 and even though it ended, I would not stop having contact with the guy (emails, phone, rarely in person as he lives near Dallas). I just was NOT trying in my marriage and could only find fault in everything A (my husband) did. I was miserable and wanted change. I wanted excitement and to feel alive. I wanted to be with someone who acted like they wanted me and cherished me.
Well, first mistake was thinking that an asshole who would cheat on his wife is the one who could give me all those things I needed. He was confused just like the rest of us, but also not willing to commit to me, my kids, and a long distance relationship.
I was devastated, heartbroken. I'd already ruined my marriage for this person. A, as you can imagine was 1000x more heartbroken and upset than me. I broke him. There was no trust, no understanding, nothing. It was just a shell of a relationship, so eventually we split up.
We lived apart (and technically still do) for several months with little to no contact. It was wonderful, but also lonely and sad. I honestly thought I had moved on from A and had moved on from affair guy (b/c he'd not left me any other choice).
I had several dates with a guy I met on Match.com who was a super nice, good guy (but quite boring and HORRIBLE in the sack). I just knew, also, besides all that, that he wasn't right for me anyway. It never felt right, being with him.
I had a week long fling with that 28 year old that was hitting on me the night I first met you when you were in town, but truthfully, he was an idiot. I don't do stupid well at all. :)
Then March came around and two things happened.
I texted and called him at 4 a.m. so he could talk me thought my crisis, which he did. In that moment, something clicked and I just knew that I'd never been loved by anyone quite like him.
Meeting secretly in a Wal Mart parking lot to make out, sneaking calls and text in stolen moments, intense physical attraction ( which I definitely had with the affair guy), that is all fun and exciting, but it doesn't equal love.
Are things perfect now? No.
Does he still annoy me and not give me the attention I crave? Yes, some of the time.
But I have learned so much about how to ask for what I want and need.
And I have learned so much about how to give, readily and happily, to someone else.
As I said, we aren't officially back "together". I have an apartment still (although I haven't been there all summer, which is crazy, stupid financially), but until he asks me to move back in for real, I am fine with this.
We don't talk about forever anymore. We talk about today. And for today, this day, we are good.
And we are.