Sunday, September 11, 2011

Finding Forty, Day 466; ADD

I've diagnosed myself as having adult ADD.   I'm not 100% sure, but man, it really seems like I have it.   The forefront symptoms are impulsivity and inattentiveness.  

Impulsivity continues to plague me.   I speak before I think, I act before I consider, I live my life in a constant state of regret and apology.    I truly, sincerely believe that there is something physiologically wrong with me.

My inattention has always been with me.  Daydreams plague me, occupying most of my waking thoughts. I am forgetful, distracted, disorganized beyond belief, despite my best efforts to stay on top of things.

I go to bed each night feeling disappointed with who I am, always pledging to do better the next day.  

This weekend has come to an end and I haven't done the work I brought home.  I will awake tomorrow and scramble into my classroom, doing my best to get things in better order for my students.  I have my plans done, my copies made, but there is still more I could and should have done.  

Constantly, I fight this urge to find and do something fun and exciting.   I feel like a child, wanting my whims and fancies to be met in an instant.

My logical, intelligent brain knows how absurd this sounds.   I get it.  Except I can't overcome it.

Not much has changed in my personal life.   I am living with A, but still pay for my empty, abandoned apartment each month.   We are good, but not great.    We live in the moment.   Nothing seems to really surprise us, move us, upset us, exalt us.  

S creeps into my thoughts on a daily basis.   While not overwhelmed with emotion, I still wonder about him.  

A is still unemployed.   He recently applied for jobs out of state.   While slightly shocked, there is a very small part of me that wonders what it would be like if he did, in fact, take a job multiple states away.  What effect would that have on our marriage?
I really can't imagine.

And besides, my attention span can't handle that thought.  There's too much other stuff in there already.