Sunday, September 11, 2011

Finding Forty, Day 466; ADD

I've diagnosed myself as having adult ADD.   I'm not 100% sure, but man, it really seems like I have it.   The forefront symptoms are impulsivity and inattentiveness.  

Impulsivity continues to plague me.   I speak before I think, I act before I consider, I live my life in a constant state of regret and apology.    I truly, sincerely believe that there is something physiologically wrong with me.

My inattention has always been with me.  Daydreams plague me, occupying most of my waking thoughts. I am forgetful, distracted, disorganized beyond belief, despite my best efforts to stay on top of things.

I go to bed each night feeling disappointed with who I am, always pledging to do better the next day.  

This weekend has come to an end and I haven't done the work I brought home.  I will awake tomorrow and scramble into my classroom, doing my best to get things in better order for my students.  I have my plans done, my copies made, but there is still more I could and should have done.  

Constantly, I fight this urge to find and do something fun and exciting.   I feel like a child, wanting my whims and fancies to be met in an instant.

My logical, intelligent brain knows how absurd this sounds.   I get it.  Except I can't overcome it.

Not much has changed in my personal life.   I am living with A, but still pay for my empty, abandoned apartment each month.   We are good, but not great.    We live in the moment.   Nothing seems to really surprise us, move us, upset us, exalt us.  

S creeps into my thoughts on a daily basis.   While not overwhelmed with emotion, I still wonder about him.  

A is still unemployed.   He recently applied for jobs out of state.   While slightly shocked, there is a very small part of me that wonders what it would be like if he did, in fact, take a job multiple states away.  What effect would that have on our marriage?
I really can't imagine.

And besides, my attention span can't handle that thought.  There's too much other stuff in there already.


  1. talk to your doctor and get medication. What can it hurt? The catch with ADD is that it's all a matter of degrees. All of us have some of the symptoms, some of the time. Do you consistently have them? On the other hand, the disorganization and feeling of being overwhelmed is also a symptom of depression.

    So how is your class? I hope you had a good start to the year. I've already gotten several substituting days in and have a week scheduled next week. Then I'll be ready to take a vacation to Texas to see the grandkids.

  2. I don't know how long you have been feeling like what you have described but if you have had most of these issues since your teens more than likely it is ADD and ADHD but if your symptoms have gotten worse its probably post-menupause.

    I read an article about menupaulse and symtoms and I have 23 symptoms out of 30 symptoms.

  3. Hey...

    I know I am not post menopause. If anything, I'm peri. :)

    As for how long...all my life. I just never realized it until now. I was able to cope.

    Do I think depression is a factor? Absolutely? But am I chronically depressed for no reason? No.

    My class is good, but talkative! I think a lot of my ADD concerns have to do with how I manage them on a day to day basis. If i were more focused and less impulsive, we'd be a stronger unit.

    Have a save trip to Texas. Forewarning: It's still HOT and very dry here! :)

    Thanks for your words of input!

  4. So you're not perfect. A isn't perfect. Things aren't perfect. So you get stressed about that, and it affects your ability to focus. Welcome to life.

    I remember the PoorMeKate who first started this blog, and she is long gone. Your self-complaints now are those of a growing, learning, maturing person who wants to do better, because she knows she can.

    That's how it should be.

  5. Kate-I have self diagnosed myself with this, too.

    Just thought I'd pop in and say hello to you.

  6. took the words right out of my mouth...well, maybe more my disorganized brain that my mouth because I simply couldn't' have said that any better.

    You must feel much of the same way I do or visa versa.

    But anywho...hope you have a safe trip.

    If you lived closer to me, I would love to meet you. I think we could share a lot.

    Good luck!