Monday, August 29, 2011

Finding Forty, Day 453; Down with Gravity

Gravity.  Brevity.  Reality.

Something has been pulling me down lately.   Possibly it's work and the new pressures of wanting and needing to perform better than I have in a long time.   Possibly it's the fatigue and mental stress of worrying about A not having a job yet.   Possibly it's just that no matter how I try, I can't shake certain aspects of who I am that simply just weigh me down.

I've had a couple of really hard weeks lately.   Weeks where there have been moments when I came thisclose to emailing S.  Luckily, in the moment of weakness, I was able to start madly texting my closest friends so that I could be pulled back from the abyss.


It's weighing me down.   I know if I venture too close, the laws of science will take me over the edge.

Why would I want to reach out to S?   I know it won't change anything at all.   Here are the only reasons I can figure out.

He was my escape.  When 'real life' got hard, it was comforting to have S to play with, to laugh with, to give me a break from the yuck of life.  

Even as I type this, I know I sound like an ass.  Everyone has a yucky life in some way or another.  Everyone wants to escape from time to time.

I guess the good thing is that before, I let myself be pulled under and now, at least, I know that isn't the answer either.

Another reason I am frustrated is because A still doesn't have a job.    I want to ask daily what, if any, progress he's made.   But I know that is ridiculous.  All that will do is create resentment.   And yet, at what point do I get to really voice my thoughts on his unemployment?   How long is long enough?  When will it be time to go out and get a job, any job, so that we can pay our bills?

The thing is, now I'm scared to talk to him about things.   I don't want animosity, I don't want arguing.  I don't think I have any tears left to cry.

I'm tired again and weary.    This gravity is pulling me down.


  1. I know exactely what you are talking about!! Being afraid to make waves.
    This too shall pass but in the mean you think you could just talk a little bit about how you are feeling to your husband?

  2. I know I need to talk to someone, just can't figure out who. The therapist I was seeing is expensive and I also wonder about her advice, etc. I feel like I can't tell him...but I will try. My sister has been pretty supportive, so that helps.