Gravity. Brevity. Reality.
Something has been pulling me down lately. Possibly it's work and the new pressures of wanting and needing to perform better than I have in a long time. Possibly it's the fatigue and mental stress of worrying about A not having a job yet. Possibly it's just that no matter how I try, I can't shake certain aspects of who I am that simply just weigh me down.
I've had a couple of really hard weeks lately. Weeks where there have been moments when I came thisclose to emailing S. Luckily, in the moment of weakness, I was able to start madly texting my closest friends so that I could be pulled back from the abyss.
Gravity.
It's weighing me down. I know if I venture too close, the laws of science will take me over the edge.
Why would I want to reach out to S? I know it won't change anything at all. Here are the only reasons I can figure out.
He was my escape. When 'real life' got hard, it was comforting to have S to play with, to laugh with, to give me a break from the yuck of life.
Even as I type this, I know I sound like an ass. Everyone has a yucky life in some way or another. Everyone wants to escape from time to time.
I guess the good thing is that before, I let myself be pulled under and now, at least, I know that isn't the answer either.
Another reason I am frustrated is because A still doesn't have a job. I want to ask daily what, if any, progress he's made. But I know that is ridiculous. All that will do is create resentment. And yet, at what point do I get to really voice my thoughts on his unemployment? How long is long enough? When will it be time to go out and get a job, any job, so that we can pay our bills?
The thing is, now I'm scared to talk to him about things. I don't want animosity, I don't want arguing. I don't think I have any tears left to cry.
I'm tired again and weary. This gravity is pulling me down.
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI know exactely what you are talking about!! Being afraid to make waves.
ReplyDeleteThis too shall pass but in the mean time.......do you think you could just talk a little bit about how you are feeling to your husband?
I know I need to talk to someone, just can't figure out who. The therapist I was seeing is expensive and I also wonder about her advice, etc. I feel like I can't tell him...but I will try. My sister has been pretty supportive, so that helps.
ReplyDelete