The impending beginning of work is consuming me. I've been working hours each day preparing my classroom, reading about best practices in teaching, spending money I don't really have to spend on materials and supplies to make this new job easier. It's almost, exclusively, all I think about anymore.
In many ways, I'm happy to have a distraction, a new passion, a healthy outlet for my obsessive tendencies. I'm still scared, though. Prepping a room and your mind is vastly different than actually teaching, day in, day out. And yes, I've done this before, but this time, I want to really, truly, get it right and feel great about what I'm doing more often than not.
During the evenings and on the weekends, when I can't be in the classroom, A and I have struck up an old habit of ours, which is watching television or movies together. This summer, we've probably seen more movies with one another than we ever have in our history. When I was unhappy and searching for reasons to prove we were incompatible, I used to point out that watching t.v. was a 'pretend' togetherness. Sitting in the dark, next to someone, wasn't really being together. How wrong could I have been?
Each night, climbing into bed together, we lay side by side, sleeping. If that's not being together, I'm not sure what is. Sure, there is love making or pillow talk, but most of the time, it's two tired, haggard bodies sharing a space. Nothing more, other than the togetherness of that.
I'm sure loved ones who hold a bedside vigil with a sick partner would argue the togetherness of such a seemingly solitary event.
I was wrong.
I love going to the movies with A. Yesterday we saw Crazy, Stupid Love. I knew it would make me cry. The previews hinted at far too many familiar plot twists and story lines to leave my wretched heart alone. And cry we did. But I haven't had much of a chance to talk about it with him. Or I've been too scared.
Even though we are moving on, there are some wounds that are still too fresh, too raw to pick at just yet.
It was enough to just curl into bed, with him reading beside me, close my eyes and drift off to sleep.
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
Crazy, Stupid, Love.: Funny and yes it hits a little too close to home. But true love did win out in the end!
ReplyDeleteKnowing somebody is in bed beside you, in the dark on the couch beside you or just in your life even though they may be at work, out doing something or away on a business trip can give you quite the sense of togetherness. It isn't always sex or cuddling or holding hands; sometimes it's just knowing they're there, part of your life.
Good luck. wb :-)