Thursday, February 10, 2011

Finding Forty, Day 257; Nine Days

My, my, how time flies.  

The past 9 days have been a whirl-wind, a roller coaster, a ride, to say the least.

In nine short days I've traveled with my girlfriends for a short, but adventurous get away.   Discerning folks might have even unknowingly viewed me on VH1 as I was a "casted audience member" for the Pepsi Fan Jam concert that aired the Thursday before the Super Bowl.

I was in Dallas to see my favorite band, but I also go to witness snow.  Big, fat, soft flakes fell from the heavens  above to the icy earth below and made this romantic girl wish she had a warm hand to hold on to.

She didn't.  Unless you count my own hands as they met between my thighs to find a bit of warmth.

The weekend brought a let down of colossal sorts.  It's very hard to bask in the glow of your favorite rock star and then be thrust back into reality within hours.    Add to that the fact that your future ex husband loaded your kids into the Suburban to head out of town for a family birthday gathering while you were left home alone and the truth can definitely weigh heavily on the heart.

As the weekend hit it's peak, I realized I was also getting sick.  

Sunday found me in bed, alone, puffy eyed, red nosed, crying inconsolably feeling like I had made the biggest mistake any human being had ever made.    A is a REALLY NICE GUY and I felt like I'd walked away from potentially the best thing I'll ever know.

A was sweet and sympathetic to my plight, but firm in his belief that we are doing the right thing.



Okay, I can remember when I was on board with that.

Monday brought my new after school job.   Yes, I found a new job on Craigslist.  I am a "homework assistant" for two brothers three days a week, every OTHER week.  I could not do it weekly, but the bi weekly nature of it makes it do able.   So, I work a full time job as a teacher and then go and do this new job.  

It just so happens though, that this new job coincided with my apartment move in date.

It was a bit anti-climatic to get my apartment key, zip through the apartment for five minutes, then dash off to help a 5th grader convert improper fractions.

But I keep thinking of the money I am making and how it might help go towards our family beach trip this summer or dinner next week.

My budget is yet to be determined and I feel as if I am stretching things to the absolute.

Today brought forth a vaginal ultrasound and a mammogram which is always an experience in and of itself, and now I sit, tired, stinky, and still living out of heavy duty sized garbage bags and moving boxes.

I have no furniture, no organization scheme, no money, no man in my life (save three very resilient, beautiful boys) and here I am.

The wrinkles under my eyes and above my upper lip remind me of the journey I've been on for some time now, perhaps my whole life, and there is a bittersweet feeling I get when I look upon them.

I'm happy, deep down, because I know I will be alright in the end.  But I'm sad, and the sadness is deep.   It's a heavy hearted feeling that just won't seem to go away.

I don't look forward to sleeping on my air mattress alone tonight.   Thank goodness I still have Hippo.

But tomorrow is another day and soldier on I will.

Nine days, so much life lived, so much accomplished.   Sometimes my own fortitude surprises me.


  1. Your fortitude is amazing. You will make it. You will. I wish I could tell you all the reasons why I know you will be ok. I can't because I would betray a family member who might somehow see what I've written. Let me just say that you have been honest. You have admitted your mistakes. You are taking on your 'new normal' and you keep going. Feeling the sadness will deepen your soul. You are not running from your pain, nor are you deadening it. This is a good thing because you will know who you are and what you are made of. Few are courageous enough to do that.

    Keep on keeping on.

  2. Yes, Kate, keep going! Your words always find a way into my heart...I still find myself living out of boxes sans homme and it only allows me to focus on my own existence.

    You are slowly getting back on your feet. Of that, I am certain.

    -Your Cheerleader

  3. I wondered what was going on when you didn't post. What giant steps you've taken! First thing you have to buy is a decent bed...those blow up things are killers. Good for you for getting another job. After my recent short term return to the classroom, I'm impressed that you have the energy to do it. Go back and read some of your early posts. You've come such a long, long way. It's been tough, but you did it and your boys are still healthy and happy. Sounds to me like you're on the right track. Hang in there.

  4. Just another voice in the vastness of cyberspace: Hang in there. You'll make it. Good luck. I'm reading.

  5. Good going, Kate! I remember when you first started this blog and you were in the hurtbag. Even though you're still in flux, you do sound so much stronger. Life brings change! I'm glad to read that you're rolling with the punches. Keep writing. :-)

  6. Sadness is nature's way of keeping us able to feel when we'd rather not sometimes. In that, it is holding a spot for the happiness that will take its place after it has run its course.

    The deeper the sadness, the deeper the happiness that will follow. Soldier on, Kate-Finding-Forty.

  7. Hang in there Kate! You are stronger than you know! I miss you in the Coffee Shop btw. I also have a bottle of wine that is waiting for someone to share it with! lol

  8. Oh, btw, I have posted an award for you on my blog. You should check it out so you can claim it!