For a while now I've been thinking of a particular subject for this next blog. It was going to be about the perks of living alone, like eating Baked Cheetos at midnight in bed, never having to do laundry, or being able to talk OUT LOUD to yourself and not worry if anyone hears you.
But the more I thought about those things, which truly can be great in the moment, the more I realized they don't make me as happy as I thought they would.
I want mashed potatoes and meatloaf. I want grey sweat pants and thick socks. I want morning breath and bedhead. And I want those things with A.
Something happened to me recently. Were I a character in a movie, there'd surely have been a scene where I hit my head on the bathroom tile or drank a strange potion from a glass vial, but I can't figure out the moment when my universe as I know it altered.
I just know it did.
Suddenly, the things that are the most important to me in life are the little things I neglected and forgot about when I started down that forsaken path a few years ago.
I want a hand to hold. A body next to me in bed. Someone to share the newspaper with on Sunday morning.
I want to bicker about what we watch on t.v. and what we want for dinner. I want to look at him from across the soccer field as he leans over and whispers into our son's ear and know he's mine.
I feel so stupid for not knowing how loved I was.
So, I type this, wrapped in a towel, sitting on the floor of my closet in my new apartment.
The Cheetos are in the kitchen, the laundry patiently waits in a pile, and I can say anything I want, as loud as I want.
Today, into the empty cavern of my very own place, I say out loud...."Why?"
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
Great writing...seems like you're coming to closure on some of your struggles. So now you know what you want. What are you going to do about it?
ReplyDeleteWait a week and see if you still feel that way. It could be the phase of the moon. Or it could be that you've gotten into the habit of longing for what you do not have. It is not surprising, is it, that the uncertainty of your employment future would make you long for the familiar?
ReplyDeleteWhat Nana said. It seems to me it's been two weeks since your last post, and you seem to be feeling the same way. The moon is already halfway through its cycle. Just saying.
ReplyDeleteAs for what you are going to do about it, you will know when the time is right. The universe is good like that.
As you know I've been on a Socrates kick for awhile now. “Be as you wish to seem.” Namaste!
ReplyDeleteI know I have said this before... I hope you can get back with your husband and would really love to know what your thoughts are on trying to get back with your husband. Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteHi Kate--I sure have enjoyed reading this blog, and I'm always pulling for you. You've come a long way this whole year (you and I started blogging about the same time!). I can relate to everything you write, especially right now, when I too am feeling kind of...desirous of a mate. Hm.
ReplyDelete