Sunday, March 27, 2011

Finding Forty, Day 298; Moving Forward, Looking Back

The pink slip was delivered on Friday morning.   In truth, it was a white piece of paper that I signed and I didn't cry during my meeting with my principal.

Tears flowed later, throughout the day and into the night, but I still find myself hopeful.   Something will turn up or present itself.   Things will work out.

A week ago, we discovered my middle son had lice.   If you've ever had it in your house, you know how exhausting the process can be to safeguard everyone else and rid the area of the pesky parasites.

I stayed around to help A with everything because it truly is daunting.  I spent a great deal of time at his house this week and we have entered into a very interesting situation.    We are the best of friends.

More and more, the stronger I get, I see him clearly for who he is.   He isn't perfect, but he's the closest thing I've ever found.  

Recently my sister told me that our dad (who divorced my mom after 27 years of marriage) confessed to her that he wishes he'd spent more time focusing on the good things in his marriage to her than the bad. He said that he has spent his life searching for perfection and realizes now, on the brink of 70, that it's not out there.

I don't want to be him.

A and I talked all day yesterday about us, our past, our future.   Imminent is our declaration of bankruptcy.   I'm ready for that, even though I don't like it.   I hate the dark cloud hanging over my head.

I don't want to divorce him, yet...if ever.   I'm not hoping or even wanting to reconcile full force at this time, but I do like that we are able to spend time together one on one.    We don't touch, hold hands, kiss or have sex, but there is a level of intimacy that feels amazing.

We are both in financial ruins, having to start over in our respected professions.   Something about being at that spot together brings the past two years into sharp focus.

I would love to move forward and rebuild with him.    I know that is scary and I know that my last blog was about loving someone else.

But over the past few weeks and especially as I deal with being laid off, I see what unconditional love looks and feels like when it's directed at me.

There is beauty in A.   How I overlooked it shocks me.

I'm not rushing back.  I'm saying that I am seeing things more clearly and seriously contemplating.   I also know that I hurt him horribly, possibly beyond repair, and he may not want me in his life as anything other than a friend.

And if that's the case, then I will feel honored to be there.


  1. Something about this post makes me smile.

    You might want to read "The Alchemist" by Paul Coelho. It will make you cry. In a good way.

  2. The pink slips go out this week in our district. In our last round of cuts we reduced classified staff to bare bones. This time the teachers are taking the big hit. It's a tough time to be in education.

    Interesting the evolution of your relationship with A...I want to fast forward and see how it ends!

    I wish you all the best. Spring is a time of renewal. I hope it is so for you.

  3. If you want A then please fight for him. I promise you that you will not regret it!

    Wishing you all the best!

  4. Nana says, the "evolution" is interesting.

    And I note a heretofore unheard tone of grown up acceptance of things beyond your control.

    Good for you!

  5. You've covering a lot of ground, Kate. So much going on! As always, I wish you the best of luck.