Sunday, March 13, 2011

Finding Forty, Day 284; Ugly Truths

When the rain is blowin' in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawlin' down the avenue
No, there's nothin' that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

Though storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regrets
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothin' like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love. 

When I began this blog, I vowed to be honest, for better or worse, in all its ugly reality.

Tonight's blog is hideous.    Two years ago tonight, I began my affair with S.   In the steamy cab of his truck, I leaned over and kissed him.   

It wasn't our first kiss.  

At 18, on a graduation trip to Acapulco, I leaned over to him in a club and began kissing him.   There has always been something about him that drew me in, held me captive.

Now I feel I'm a prisoner.   I can't escape the feelings I have for him, the love, the laughter, the foolish, impetuous dreams I created.

And it makes me feel so incredibly stupid.   He doesn't want me.  He lied to me.  He told me horrible, beautiful things and then took them all back and still I pine for him.

Why?  How?  

I want it to end, to go away.   I want to have a heart transplant, a lobotomy, something, anything to move past this ridiculous longing.

The emptiness, so hollow and aching, I try to fill with hobbies, work, interactions with friends.

And I know I'm not the first to ever have a broken heart.   But I feel so alone in this at times. 

I feel so stuck.   I want to be free of him, of all these feelings, and I just don't know how.   Isn't there a recipe for this?  A timetable?   I feel desperate.

Ugly truths, be gone.

Like him.


  1. I listened to the song as I read your words, Forty, and I was sad for you. I have been where you are - you've read This Old House. The circumstances are different, but the feelings are the same. You will get to where you're going; the journey gets rough sometimes.

    "True love flows only when the heart is so totally broken it can't reform itself..." - Zihara

  2. The heart can't help what the heart wants!

    Time is the only thing that will help.
    Thinking of you!

  3. Oh, you know...these "pining" feelings come and go.
    Fortunately for you, you at least know that what you're pining for is an illusion.