Finding Forty, Day 374; Achilles' Heel

Constantly I search for visible signs that I've grown and changed.   I suspect strongly they're present, I just can't see them from the outside.   I know I feel it on the inside.

Today I was reminded how far I have actually come.

To say that I am 100% over S would be a lie.   The truth is, I think about him every single day in some small way.   Maybe I'll drive past the place where we first kissed (okay, I do that everyday as it's right across the highway from our house), or a particular song will come on the radio and I'm transported back.   I wonder about him, what he's doing, if he ever thinks of me.   And then I snap back to my reality, the reality I am truly enjoying.

 I know I've inched further down the path because how those things affect me is less intense and not debilitating anymore.

There was, in fact, a time when I believed people do die from broken hearts.    Now I see the walking wounded all around me, stronger than before.

But, I digress.

Here is how I know I've grown today.

My sister has a conference in Dallas from Sunday to Tuesday and she will be alone.   We live 5 hours apart and Dallas is halfway.   She invited me to stay with her and genuinely wanted me to come.   At first, I said yes.    Then I started thinking about it.

S lives just outside of Dallas.   Two years ago, I would have jumped at this opportunity and would have spent time on the phone planning with him when I might be able to sneak over to see him or meet him somewhere.  

Wow, just writing about it makes me feel horrible.

One year ago, I would have not been able to tell him I was coming but would have still driven past his office, stopped at the same convenience store he stops at every morning, been out and about where I thought he might be and most likely have called him and told him I was nearby, hoping he'd "let" me stop and say a painful, heartbreaking hello.

Writing that makes me feel worse than horrible.

This year, I texted my sister and told her I couldn't meet her in Dallas.   Not only is the price of gas atrocious and we are leaving for Florida in 4 days, but I didn't want to make that trip and put myself through any temptation or misery.

I can't say that I wouldn't do any of the above if left to my own devices while she attends her conference.   I don't want to know how weak I am or might be.   And even if I didn't do anything, I don't want to even have the conversation I would surely have with myself about it.

I want to be here, at the house, googling Gulf Coast routes and packing duffle bags for boys.

It pains me that S is my Achilles' Heel, but more than that, I'm overjoyed that I recognize it now and can make healthy decisions.

My family deserves that.   Hell, I deserve it.

And that feels pretty good.