Sunday, August 12, 2012

Finding Forty; Sunday Blues

I've got a mean case of the Sunday blues.   The storm clouds blew in this afternoon around 4 and since then I just can't seem to get myself out from under their ominous shadow.

Crying didn't help, nor did snacking (does it ever?), offering to watch a movie with the boys, folding laundry, walking aimlessly around the house, etc, etc.

When I get this way, admittedly, it's hard for me to snap out of it.   I tend to start dwelling in my head, with my heart bearing the full brunt of the thoughts that sneak in.

I know I'm sad about having to sit in an all day meeting tomorrow.   The truth is, I'm not ready for school to start back up just yet.   I've had a very hard summer in many ways and having the freedom to spend my days leisurely has most likely been my saving grace.    Each day that passes signals the end of this era, this small chapter in my life and typically, I'd embrace that, but on this Sunday evening, I don't.

I'm sad about changes in my life of late.  

I feel so bad about my marriage ending.   I miss A's friendship and support.   For all of our mishaps and misfortune, he was a great person and a good friend and I threw that away.   I feel really stupid.

  I miss having someone to help me remember to water the grass, unload the dishwasher, touch in the middle of the night.  I miss J.   During the parts of the week that we are able to be together, I'm in heaven.   Happy, satisfied, comfortable and excited to see how our relationship blossoms.

When we have to be apart, I feel lonely, lost, off track.   I hate it.

I know that I must learn to live alone.   Be alone.  And there are moments when that is a very doable and agreeable task.   But not on Sunday nights.   At least not yet.

Tonight 'm apathetic, blah, moody and tearful.  

Maybe I'll just brush my teeth, don my pajamas and go to bed.  That's one way to get past Sunday.

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