Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Finding Forty; Day 348; Mirror, Mirror

I lied.

The drive home from my sister's house is closer to 5 hours.   The roads wind, but don't seem to be as magically tree lined as I recalled on my way there.    I think I had my snapshot moment of reuniting when I arrived back in town, but I can't even say for sure.

I do know that as I drove home, I fast forwarded through the sappy songs and focused on getting to my final destination as soon as possible.

A is my bubble.  When I push myself out of that iridescent, mesmerizing realm of security I flail.  I knew that the faster I arrived home, the sooner I could be engulfed in that filmy, bulbous, room of safety.   Whatever that might mean.

Arriving home also brought work stress and worry.   I feel like my days and nights are engulfed with stress over my job.  The dentist yesterday suggested many things, including a mouth guard, muscle relaxers and botox as a last resort to alleviate all of the tension I carry in my jawline.   For now, because I'm poor, I'm working on self awareness and relaxation techniques.

Yesterday, I emailed R, my best friend in Chicago (who I honestly feel like I haven't talked to in months) and as I signed off on my email, I realized I had essentially written a blog.  I know I felt like I would be remiss not to share the honesty here.   And with that, here is where I am tonight as I gaze into the mirror of who I truly am.

Dear R,

Is the detox and B12 stuff going okay?   I'd be scared to see how I check out after the past few years.  I have a dentist appointment this afternoon and I'm worried about that.   Stress is a killer.
My weekend was alright, mostly good.   We had the couples massage on Sat.   It felt good, as most massages do, but I'm always left with a....is that it?  afterwards.
So, my real issue is A.   Things are good and I can envision wanting a future with him, but he is being so very guarded it is hard for me to tell if he's into this (the reunion/me) or not.   I know I cheated on him and have a ton of work to do to mend his heart and rebuild his trust, but it all feels VERY one sided right now.  I am physically affectionate, verbally supportive, very much "acts of service" in terms of doing THINGS for him (chores, helping out, etc.)....all trying to show him how sorry I am.   And I WANT to do these things, but not forever if there is nothing in return.   I can't be in a one sided relationship, no matter how scared/hurt he is.
We talked about this a bit last night.   He is very conflicted.  Part of him feels like less a man for letting someone who treated him like I did back in.   The other part of him loves me and is a loving person and therefore wants love to rule.   He is still unsure he can do what it takes to make me happy.   I tell him that my idea of what I need for happiness has shifted and until he shows me the unguarded him, I can't tell if he's able to make me happy or not.   I feel like I am patient enough to ride all of this out until it just doesn't work for me anymore.
There is less animosity between us.  He says he forgives me and I believe he does.  He knows I am truly remorseful and I made sure to ask for his forgiveness last night.   I've said I'm sorry a million times, but I'm not sure I"ve ever actually asked for his forgiveness.   So, I did.  
He says he wants me to be happy, but him happy too.   Can we both be happy together?  That is still left to be seen.
So...is being with him or wanting him a compromise on my part?  Am I selling out?   I'm not sure.   I know that when all that shit happened in Houston and I felt painfully, horribly misunderstood  and alone, the only person I wanted and who I knew would understand me was A.   I know there is a bond with us that goes deeper than the fact that we are parents together.   I see that happiness and peace is a slow burn, not an explosion of fireworks in a few fiery bursts.
I guess what I am wondering is if he even WANTS to be with me?   I can't derive much joy or happiness from him.   It's almost like he's numb.   Having said that, I think he's past the part of pretending.   He's pretty much got a What the fuck attitude about so much lately, I would think that if he weren't into "us", he'd have no part of it.  He's actually said as much, that's he isnt' doing anything he doesn't want to be doing.   Maybe there's a bit of him that is sort of enjoying the near groveling on my part. ;)
I know I"m rambling.  This is all very confusing.   
Added to it all are these ever so slight nagging feelings about S.   I don't envision a future with him, I just play those stupid..."I wonder if he's thinking about me?" games in my head.   "I wonder if he remembers my birthday is coming up?" ....stuff like that.    "What if I NEVER talk to him or see him again for the rest of my life?"....Ugh.    I suppose I would be fine.
I actually SEE and BELIEVE now that people DO, in fact, survive broken hearts!!   I can put him away (most of the time) and just let him sit on shelf in the dusty corner of my heart.

I'm sorry for rambling,

And so there you have it.  I realize there is some backstory that might be hard to follow, but mostly I wanted to express that despite my growth about S and my awakenings about A, I am still the same, old, confused me I once was.    

When I look into that mirror, I still am not quite sure who, in fact, I see. 

1 comment:

  1. We second-guess ourselves, we wonder, and we worry, but that does not make us the same, old, confused us we once were. It makes us human.

    Even when we lose sight of them for a moment, we have not lost our growth and awakenings.

    You have come a long way indeed, Kate-Finding-Forty. Soldier on.