Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Finding Forty; Day 356; Found

The birthday has come and gone.   Before I fell asleep Monday night I toyed with the idea of blogging, but decided that the beauty of finding oneself certainly involved freedom.

I felt free to let the writing simmer until the right moment emerged.

It just has.

After a busy day, I walked into A's house (*our* house) to find him sitting at the computer job hunting.   Starving, I was pissed off that he hadn't even started dinner, knowing my day had been stressful and harried.

With some positive self talk and reminders about what is important to me in life, I went to him and said, "At some point tonight, I'd really love to visit with you."   Sugar coating?  Possibly.  But that was the actual truth.   Yes, I wanted dinner ready, but I am fully capable of preparing that.  What I can't do is fabricate great time spent with A.   So, I asked for what I wanted.  I have the freedom to do that.

But what truly prompted the writing tonight was a statement A once said about me during the heat of one of our many discussions since the affair.

He said that I hadn't truly known love in my life for if I had, I wouldn't have done such things.  His words stung in the moment, but resonated deeply.   Was he right?   Wrong?   I was left searching, although I knew instantly I'd known love with my children.

But tonight, as I started dinner and waited for a free moment with him, I realized how loved I really am.

On our eldest's son's bed was a huge box.  It was full of clothes for him that my dad and sister had bought and sent his way.   A few weeks ago I mentioned that he thought is current clothes were "dorky" and "too small" and the very next day, they pooled their money, my sister went shopping, and this box of clothes was delivered.   It was so reminiscent of the generosity my mom used to bestow upon us, in times of need or not.   Within minutes, I was weeping tears of joy, sadness, longing.   I missed her but was so happy to feel her presence alive through my sister and my dad.

I sat down at the dining room table, texting her, wiping my tears and reflecting on my day.

After school today, a co-worker who used to be a recruiter offered to give me a "mock" interview to help me hone my skills.   It was at the end of her work day, when I knew she had places to be, but instead she sat down and helped her friend.  

Also at A's house, on the kitchen counter today, was an envelope with my name on it.   I opened it with curiosity and a slight bit of worry.  Was it a bill?   Something I'd neglected to take care of in this crazy time?

The letter unfolded and I discovered that it was from my friend down the street.   I once tutored her son a few years ago and she had taken the time during work today to write a letter of recommendation for me.   I was moved again to tears.

A says I don't know love.

Here is what I know.

Love isn't sneaking texts in the middle of the night or when you excuse yourself to the men's room.   It's not promising one thing but never delivering.   Love doesn't forget that you have children.   Love doesn't only talk about himself or you.   Love encompasses the good, the bad, the ugly, the unemployed.

A was wrong.   Or if he wasn't, he is now.

I know love.

Finding Forty has found that she is, indeed, truly loved.

1 comment: