Saturday, July 14, 2012

Finding Forty: Divorced

It's done.   I'm divorced.   After years of soul searching, tears, hurtful actions...the end has come.

Tonight I am numb.   Today, in front of the judge, I cried.   I'd like to say that as I stood next to A our years, our time together, the memories we created flashed by.   But in that moment, it didn't.   I don't know if it was nerves or fear or shock, but I wasn't overly nostalgic.

As an uncontested divorce,  I must confess that the entire process was fairly painless.   We were in and out of the lawyers office and the courthouse in less than an hour and a half.

Since we are still amicable, we rode together and even went for lunch afterwards.   It was pleasant and daresay, at times, light hearted.   That lightness is a blessing that I cherish when it is around.   I know it's not always there, so when it is, I'm happy.

When A dropped me back at home, I changed into comfy clothes and have pretty much vegged all night long.   I can't seem to get out of bed.   I've only just cried about it, but I fear the tears will be coming in storm sized waves soon.

Divorced.   Divorced.   I keep saying it to myself to see if it makes any sort of sense at all and it really doesn't.   It's a very strange feeling.

I don't want to dwell on our years past.  At least not tonight.   I don't think I could bear the weight of the hopes we fostered, the love we shared, the lives we nurtured.    In due time, I will reflect and smile through tears about those days, long gone now.

I am not quite ready to think of the future either.   Too vast, too broad, too scary and unknown.   Soon enough, I'll be ready to start dreaming and planning.   And that's exciting.

Tonight I'm content to just be here, in the now.   Breathing in and out as best I can.


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