Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Finding Forty: Summer Swells

Is this normal?

I feel happy.   There is a smile that is perched just behind my lips, hidden.   But I feel it dwelling in my cheeks.

It's been four days since my divorce was finalized and I've yet to have those storm clouds and summer swells engulf me, suffocate me, drown me in sorrow.

Instead, I move with an ease through the day, my step a little lighter, my thoughts a bit brighter.

I can't help but feel a bit guilty about this.   While I'm not rejoicing and I do respect the gravity of the situation, I also have this underlying sense that we did the right thing for us.

The main problem I am having is how to let people know that this has happened.   I certainly don't want to post it on Facebook or Twitter.   Yesterday I googled "divorce announcements" and my search resulted in several hateful, spiteful, negative cards.  

I don't feel any of those ways.    I am sorry that my marriage of almost 20 years ended, I have regrets for sure, but I also feel a peace about it.   And it's not a peace that needs to be flaunted or waved about like some sort of flag.  I want to take my victory lap as quietly and amazingly content as possible.

I suppose for now, I will just sit with this new knowledge and let the reality slowly dawn on me.  There is really no need to inform people, other than my HR department and well, I actually can't think of anyone else.

When the time is right or the need arises, I will just politely, calmly tell people.  

Until then, I'll keep coasting on this wave of quiet resolution.


  1. So is congratulations the right thing to say? I know it has been a long and difficult journey so I'm pleased that you're feeling content with your decisions. You are fortunate that you and A can remain friendly...so much easier on the kids. I wish you all the best as you spread your wings of freedom this summer.

  2. As I sit here at 3 in the morning, I read your life and I am amazed at some of the similarities. I am up in the middle of the night also finding my way at 40.

    1. I wish you all the best. It is an ongoing journey, but just last night I was lamenting something I'd never done earlier in my life and how different my life would be if only I had. Then it occurred to me that I truly like my life just as it is, in all it's messy glory. I wouldn't really change anything, despite how hard it's been at times. Thanks for commenting!