Finding Forty, Day 128; All of Me

As usual, I'm tired.  I feel like I've been fighting a cold all weekend.   I've been wiped out every night.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm anemic.   

Today I went shopping to find something to wear to a friend's wedding next weekend and a family dinner in a few weeks.   I knew I'd gained weight, but hadn't really shopped for new clothes in a while.   I was TWO dress sizes up from what my normal size is.  Not one, but two.   OUCH.

I'd like to say it was very dejecting, but in all honesty I can't.  I've not been doing anything for my size to be anything other than what it is.

Food has been a comfort this past year, or, if I'm being honest, a  pseudo comfort.  It really hasn't made me feel any better and I'm bigger to boot!   I wish I could get my act together and start taking better care of myself.

I was smaller when I was having the affair.  It was easy to work out and eat sensibly even though S lived 2.5 hours away and I never knew when or if I'd get to see him.   I liked looking at myself in the mirror, smiled all the time, and could slide into anything in my closet.   Shopping was fun when I could wear almost anything I wanted.

I realize my happiness was born out of something bad.   The good feelings I was experiencing shouldn't have been based on anything related to him.

I gave him power over me and when he took his attention and love away, I lost the ability to feel good in my own skin.   Heartbreak has broken me, literally.

The other day, as I peered into the bathroom mirror, I said to myself, "Oh, you better move that hair from your face, it might get into your eye."    As I reached to swipe it away, I realized it was a wrinkle!  

The biggest change, though, is the weight gain.   You'd think I'd feel too sad to eat or use the anger to channel a new, improved, hot body.   Nope. 

I eat to escape and I know it.  For those  few minutes that I am eating or if we go out to eat, I can think about something else.  I physically relax and let go.  Then, I find myself in my closet on Monday morning trying to get dressed for work and nothing fits.  Literally.  

Being too poor to buy bigger clothes, I shop at resale stores to pay a fraction of the cost of something new, hoping and planning to only wear it for a short while.  I love thrift shopping, so that's not the problem.  The problem is having wonderful clothes in my closet and not being able to squeeze into them.

I'm due for my annual well woman exam this month and I plan to call tomorrow to make my appointment, but I am going to make it for December.

That is the goal I am setting for myself.  I have 15 pounds to lose and I think mid December is a realistic time frame to get this weight off.   I have to.  I can't stand myself any longer.  And being disgusted with me will get me nowhere with the work I need to do on myself.

Plus, I want to wear all the cute clothes just hanging forlornly in my closet.

One last thing.  I despise the broken record nature of tonight's blog.  I've said and thought all of these same things before.    When will it finally sink in?   

Today.   I pray today. 

I want to say today, but this is how I feel...