Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 138; Weddings

Wowza!   Eight days!!   What in the world is going on with me?   I haven't blogged in eight days and in doing so, I lost a follower.   Oh well, c'est la vie!  

To begin with, I was out of town over the weekend.  Well, not technically out of town, but away at a wedding and was super busy and very, very much distracted.    Maybe I'll blog about it in depth later.

The things I will say are this.   I did not cry at this wedding.   Typically, at weddings, I weep silent tears.  Either because I'm overblown by the romanticism or I'm mourning the loss of the love in mine.    Not so on Saturday.   For one thing, I was helping my friend with her son, so I had to exit the wedding a few times because he was doing the whole cough/puke thing.

But mostly, I just felt neutral.  That alarms me a bit.

The wedding was beautiful, though.   Outdoors,  flickering candlelight, a cool, Texas breeze.   It was amazing.   And there I stood stoically.   What is happening to me?

Since returning, I've felt a distance from A.   I've contacted an apartment location service.   I've checked my finances and started working on my budget.   Actually, at this point in time, it makes more sense for me to keep the house and for him to move out.  I'm the breadwinner here.

I admire this man and do love him, but our marriage has run its course and the next step is to move on and move out.  

Thing is, I can't say this to him.  I'm petrified.  I want to send an email and I know that is horribly wrong.   One of our strengths is communication, so an email would be a slap in the face.  

Being at the wedding, seeing new love and happiness, brought home how short life is.   I am tired of feeling hostage here because we are too poor to do anything, not to mention too scared.

I just don't know how to do it.  I want someone to do it for me, but I also know that a huge part of me being ready is also being able to say the things that need to be said.

That is my plan for the upcoming days.

Wish me luck!


  1. I believe in you and always have! You can do this.

  2. We've missed you, Kate. Welcome back, doll.

  3. I truly wish you luck, my dear.

    If you must say something, do it in person. It's better that way.

    -Your Cheerleader