Finding Forty, Day 232; Tides

I have a friend who calls me Forty.  I like pet names and my favorites are Lou and Sweet Pea, but I'm not getting called those much anymore.   I never thought of myself as "Forty", not even on my birthday last May, but today, as I read the title of this blog, I finally felt the impact of what this journey has been all about.

Finding me.

And have I?  

That question brings a silly smile to my face.   No, I haven't found me, am not anywhere near that as best I can tell.

What I am discovering though, are all the things I don't like or that don't work for me.   It seems I mostly realize all of this through trial and error, with great emphasis on the error part.

I've made so many mistakes, particularly in the last few years, you'd think I'd be mortified and barely able to slink out of my house.   But what good would that do?   The best I can do is own up to them and do my damndest to just let go.

You can't take a mistake back.   There isn't a way to undo what has been done.  All you can do is acknowledge and move on, breathing deeply, steadily, and then do your best to not ever make that same mistake again.

I'm a slow learner and I know it's not because I'm stupid.  I think I just have a very hard time accepting reality, for better or worse.

So, where does Forty find herself today?  

On the one hand, I feel strong and hopeful for something, although I cannot explain or verbalize what that something might be.

And yet, I'm immobilized with fear and apathy.    I think I'm moving into an apartment on February 1.  I will be sub leasing from a couple who need to move out.  The lease term will be 9 months, which seems sufficient time to see what's around the bend.   But I've yet to really hear back from them and begin working on ironing out the details of the lease.

 I can't get motivated to pack a single box, to sit and weed through the contents of my past life and decide what stays or goes.    The task seems insurmountable and I'm not sure how I will ever find the fortitude to push onward.

And so I sit and look for furniture on Craigslist, or surf the internet looking at 2 bedroom condos in the hopes that buying might be a better alternative for me than leasing in a huge apartment complex.

Sometimes I check out divorce sites and start trying to make a list of what all needs to be done in that area.

I've tried playing with my finances to make a budget.

But then I get this overwhelmed, exhausted feeling and my throat feels like it's closing shut.   My eyes well with tears and I find myself escaping into music, or food, or mindless t.v. or conversation with the nearest set of ears around.

I've always been scattered, never able to truly focus on a linear set of tasks.   If I think of the big picture, I shut down.

I know I can break things into smaller tasks, but I don't even know where to start.

And I haven't even begun to think of what needs to be done with our personal finances.    

I look at A and wonder how the hell we got to this point.  

So, how to figure out what I want?   I guess by continuing to compile my list of don't wants, to keep moving, doing, thinking?

I'm not really sure.

I feel like I've gone from blessed to messed.

Surely, at some point, the tides will turn.