Seven days pass, a lifetime, a nothingness, a blur.
I am happy tonight. Adele is soulfully singing to me through my ear buds. It's not yet 10 p.m. and I'm snuggled into my bed (alone) and feel content.
The original apartment plan fell through last week, so I spent the greater part of Saturday apartment hunting. Not being a communal dweller for over two decades, I was dejected and overwhelmed most of the day. Finally, as I grew wearier by the minute, I asked the locator to take me back to a complex we had looked at earlier in the day. Originally, I felt it was just a hair out of my budget, but then it hit me that the apartment came with a washer and dryer (full size) in the unit. When I factored in the cost of buying those either new or used, I could justify the cost of rent. Yes, I will be strapped, but hopefully soon A will be gainfully employed and can again help with our family's finances.
The boys are excited. The amenities are appealing to them and the apartment is about a mile from their house.
I shed tears on Saturday as I got cash from the ATM to get my money order for the deposit and application fee. I called A, one more time, to confirm this was truly in our future. Again, yes was his response.
At the complex, as I answered all the standard questions I texted him to see if he would be my emergency contact. My rock in my time of trouble, he's always been. He was the reason I was able to push through, literally, all three of our kids' births without any pain medication. If I knew he was in the room, I felt safe.
Now I'm leaving him in his own room, his own walls as I strike out on my own. It's scary, sad, and exciting all at once.
When I think about walking through my newly cleaned apartment in early February, I know I'll cry, but I'll also laugh to myself at the craziness reality of my 'new chapter', as my best friend R says.
I'm an avid reader. Voracious, all my life. New chapters have always been exciting, especially in the books that grip me.
I can't wait to flip my pages.
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
It is exciting...if I lived closer, I'd come over in my pickup and help you move! You'll be all settled in by spring break and the boys can enjoy the new digs over their vacation. Take care.
ReplyDeleteNana,
ReplyDeleteI'd let you! I'm learning how to ask for help. Thank you, always, for your support (even when it hurt me to read it).
I got a new follower today who read my entire blog and I could see through all of her comments on my posts, particularly the early ones, how much I really have grown.
By george, I think I *AM* finding Forty after all! :)
Wow, isn't #1 Nana something. Sometimes moving on is just plan hard. It takes time. I have a daughter going through similar things as you are. I know what it must be like. You will make it.
ReplyDeleteReading this made me very happy for you right now, Kate-Finding-Forty. I'm looking forward to reading the next pages.
ReplyDeleteFunny how things start to come together all at once, isn't it?
Yes, you are, Kate!
ReplyDeleteI remember when I had to look for my apartment in France. It was such a scary experience for me at the time: I was moving away from home, I was going to live on my own, I had to find a place to live...and all of this had to be done in a foreign language. o_O"
Right now, I'm trying so hard to see what my life's next chapter will be: will I be able to find another job and continue my studies where I am happy, or will I fail epicly and have to return to Miami? Time is running out for me and I hate to think about any of this...
This new apartment represents so much. It's not just a place to reside in. It's the place were new adventures will take place. It's where you will begin to discover yourself again. It is where new dreams and goals will be created. It is where some peace will be found.
February is fast approaching. For me, I just panic with each passing day as I worry about potentially saying goodbye to France. But for you, it will be a whole new chapter. :-)
I wish you the best of luck, Kate!
-Your Cheerleader
Kate,
ReplyDeleteI truly wish you luck as you move through your own book and turn your pages and begin a new chapter...there will be many. I have to tell you once again that your blog and reading it in it's entirety was an inspiration to me...for whatever that might mean to you. I know that what you are going through and what you have already gone through hasn't been easy and it will be a big adjustment but I do wish you luck and happiness.
Kim (K Marie)...your new follower and "blogging" friend