I woke up grumpy today. R, my best friend, tells me to be careful on days like today because whatever energy I send out into the world is what I will receive in return.
Sometimes I jump on board that logic, other times I want to yell, "bite me!"
Today was one of those days.
I found myself thinking of Katrina Kenison and her quest for a simply, splendid, ordinary day and realized my upper lip had curled into a snarl.
My ordinary day today consisted of ripped tights, 4 zits on my face, pants that barely buttoned around my blossoming mid line, crazy ass work day where I felt less than sub par, and a harried trip to the grocery store in which I forgot two of the most basic staples of all, milk and eggs.
As I left work this afternoon, I thought I might head to Ikea because they are having a sale. In less than a month, I will vacate my temporary abode at my friend's house and rent a nice, two bedroom, two bath apartment just minutes from A and the boys.
For the first time in my adult life, I'll be living on my own, like a big girl. Okay, yes, I moved out last summer (twice, actually) to the apartment I rented. But it was different. I absolutely did it believing that S would meet me there every other weekend and we'd spend blissful hours under my stark white bedding.
This time around there's no S and there's no A. There's only K. Me. And it's weird.
Walking through the cavernous aisles of Ikea I was overwhelmed by the enormity of what lies ahead.
I was sad to be there alone, having only ever really shopped there as a couple with A or for items to share with S.
This time, knowing my purchases would be for me and the boys, I was at a loss.
When I think ahead to the apartment and getting to furnish it just as I please, I do feel a twinge of excitement. I know I can't afford much of anything right now, so my plan is to go slow, only spending money on things I absolutely need and/or love.
I guess that is actually a good thing, but it's quite hard to feel that way about it now.
This morning, I texted A and asked three questions:
"So we are really staying apart?"
"A 9 month lease is okay?"
"And that apartment seemed okay?"
The replies that popped up were:
"Yes"
"Yes"
"Yes"
Sometimes it's hard to fake finding an ordinary day like today beautiful.
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
I liked this post. Your writing is getting a little closer to the core, to the nugget...to what makes you unique and individual. I've enjoyed following along, especially lately. I hope you enjoy that new apartment...a new start.
ReplyDeleteYour writing gets better and better; I like reading it more and more. Maybe it's time to change the wine picture at the beginning to just one glass. ???
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's hard to fake finding an ordinary day like today beautiful.
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Compare it, mentally, to any one of your recent Very Bad Days.
Today will shine and glow by contrast.
Better days lie ahead, Kate. I admit that this week wasn't my best one and that I have a personal right to feel like crap, but I try to not let it get me down too much...
ReplyDeleteContinue living. Keep experiencing your life. Better days are ahead!
-Your Cheerleader
If we never felt down, we wouldn't know when we are up. In that, days like you describe here have their own beauty, whether you see it at the time or not.
ReplyDeleteRight Legs...
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