Friday, May 28, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 5: WTF??

Day...what is it now?   Five?   Yeah, to that I'd say...big fucking deal.   I'm 40 now and really, no one, and I mean NO ONE seems to give a damn, including me.

The only reason I care is because for some reason 40 is made to be this pinnacle of awesomeness, amazingness, everything!

But guess what?  IT"S NOT!   My thighs still hate each other.  As I walk from one place to the next, they still bicker and fight and rub against one another as if they were mortal enemies and not actually constructed of the same flesh and blood.

I still feel disorganized and scattered.   The wet clothes don't automatically jump from the washer to the dryer and the dirty dishes don't line up in anticipation to be dolefully placed into the dishwasher.   These chores still take work and dedication.

Guess what?   It is ALL the same, except, quite possibly, you now have a bit less energy with which to complete the mundane endeavors or worse yet, you realize, in a moment of complete and utter selfish clarity that you don't CARE how the chores or obligations are completed.  You just want it done with as little input as possible.

Forty is just so weird.   All these expectations, all these hopes, all these amazing fucking fears.    Truth be told, so far, 40 sucks.  :)

I'm 40 and have NO idea who I am meant to be, what my purpose is, what I am purposefully put here to do.  I would do it, if it guaranteed personal resolutions and satisfaction.

What is my purpose?  Which of these scenarios will play out for me?   Maybe one, maybe a few.   Maybe none.   Whatever happens, I will be OKAY.    Sad, but OK.

And yet, I feel strong and at peace with whatever may come my way.

Here we go,


  1. Hire a fucking maid. Or, just stop doing the chores and see what happens.

    Ultimately, they will get done. Why the fuck put it on yourself to do them?

    And, yeah...YOU WILL BE OKAY.

  2. I have nothing to say about that but just want to hug you...