Tomorrow I turn 40. As the day looms ever near, it seems that everyone I encounter focuses on the number. "Oh, FORTY!" Being 4-oh! is apparently a huge deal.
It hit me last night during a midnight trip to the loo that when I say the words "I'm turning 40", what I focus on mostly is the 'turning'.
As I enter this stage of my life, what I find most poignant and pressing is how many ways there are to turn. All of the questions that dance through my fickle and often feeble mind primarily deal with decisions. Who am I? What was I placed here to do, to be? What do I really want in life?
So much of that is less about a number and far more about turning. Turning inward to meditate and ponder, turning to friends and family for support and insight, turning around or away from what we can't have or don't need. Turns, twists, turbulence, tranquility.
I'm not afraid of a number. I do, however, fear some of the turns that I know are inevitable this coming year and the ones to follow. And yet, with fear and change bring new found experiences, new adventures, new ways of living and loving.
40 is just two digits. Fairly meaningless to me.
I'm strapping on my seat belt for the winding road, the curvy path...
the turning.
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
Oh, baby. I've begun the journey of reading your blog in an attempt to get to know you.
ReplyDeleteShit.
I hope I don't fuck up tonight's email.
I just said to my Xaero...she's where I was.