Finding Forty; Day 392; Letter to My Best Friend

In the days since I've last written, my life has been full of great and beautiful things.   Our road trip to Destin produced my children's laughter, stolen moments of aloneness with A,  crashing waves on sugar white sand, miles of new scenery, and time spent with the people I love most.   The vacation was many things...trying, tiring, amazing, worthwhile, but we created memories that will last a lifetime.


Now that I am home a sort of malaise has befallen me.   I think this email to my best friend says it best of all.

"Good morning!   I hope you found your bath to be both relaxing and meditative.   I truly hope it was.   I have not been in a really relaxed, contemplative state in quite a while.   Yes, I've had moments of peace and true relaxation, but in the past week or so something has happened.

I hate that it's so hard to pinpoint the source of my feelings or to even be able to articulate them.    First of all, I am exhausted.   I can barely move or do anything without feeling like I want to sleep for days.   It makes me apathetic about everything and minor chores or activities seem like climbing Mount Everest.  I'm dizzy all the time, anytime I move or shift my head or body positions.   Actually, it's vertigo because the room spins.   I just have to close my eyes and hold onto something until it passes.   Both of these have really bummed me out, so I find myself crying more this week about not feeling good.   I have a  dr. appointment tomorrow morning, so that should help some (or at least I hope it does).

Also, I have realized lately that my feelings have evened out.   In the beginning, when I realized I did want to be with A for the rest of my life,  I felt like this was a good thing and I still do see the merit of being level headed and not all over the place with my emotions, but I also almost feel numb.   That isn't like me and that bothers me too.    

I'm not sure if I've matured emotionally or if the sheer exhaustion of my past two years has finally caught up with me or if I have a genuine health condition that is causing this or what?

And it's the not knowing that possibly bugs me the most.

The fear is creeping in as well about our future.   Will A and I make it?  Do we have what it takes?  Is he really in this?  How much DOES he love me and want to be with me?  How much do I love him and want to be with him (a ton, btw, provided I get what I need in return)?   What will happen with our finances?  When will we declare personal bankruptcy?  What will I do with the apartment?  Will I move back in to the house?  What can we afford?  How will I pay my bills?   What if I am sick?  What about my new job?  How will that be?  Can I really do it and do it well?  

And so on and so on and so on.

On top of all of this are these random thoughts about S.   I just can't seem to make him get out of my mind permanently.   I realize he's gone and I've made no efforts to contact him and it's been 15 weeks (I'll stop counting someday, right?).   I'm better off and I know that, but I still do miss him in this unhealthy sort of way and there is no one in this world I could confess that to except you.   I just know you understand.

I know you aren't going through the same in terms of exact worries, but I know your heart and mind are heavy or at least I sense they are in some way.    What are we going to do?

I so wish you lived close.  If I knew we could get together after work and just laugh things off a bit, I think that would be priceless therapy.   Instead, lately, I've let my busy life and efforts to refocus on my family push you further out and that makes me sad.   I miss you too.

Please let me know how you are doing and what's going on.   And as always, thanks for letting me vent.

Can't wait to see you in August!!!"

I just know friends understand.

Finding Forty, Day 374; Achilles' Heel

Constantly I search for visible signs that I've grown and changed.   I suspect strongly they're present, I just can't see them from the outside.   I know I feel it on the inside.

Today I was reminded how far I have actually come.

To say that I am 100% over S would be a lie.   The truth is, I think about him every single day in some small way.   Maybe I'll drive past the place where we first kissed (okay, I do that everyday as it's right across the highway from our house), or a particular song will come on the radio and I'm transported back.   I wonder about him, what he's doing, if he ever thinks of me.   And then I snap back to my reality, the reality I am truly enjoying.

 I know I've inched further down the path because how those things affect me is less intense and not debilitating anymore.

There was, in fact, a time when I believed people do die from broken hearts.    Now I see the walking wounded all around me, stronger than before.

But, I digress.

Here is how I know I've grown today.

My sister has a conference in Dallas from Sunday to Tuesday and she will be alone.   We live 5 hours apart and Dallas is halfway.   She invited me to stay with her and genuinely wanted me to come.   At first, I said yes.    Then I started thinking about it.

S lives just outside of Dallas.   Two years ago, I would have jumped at this opportunity and would have spent time on the phone planning with him when I might be able to sneak over to see him or meet him somewhere.  

Wow, just writing about it makes me feel horrible.

One year ago, I would have not been able to tell him I was coming but would have still driven past his office, stopped at the same convenience store he stops at every morning, been out and about where I thought he might be and most likely have called him and told him I was nearby, hoping he'd "let" me stop and say a painful, heartbreaking hello.

Writing that makes me feel worse than horrible.

This year, I texted my sister and told her I couldn't meet her in Dallas.   Not only is the price of gas atrocious and we are leaving for Florida in 4 days, but I didn't want to make that trip and put myself through any temptation or misery.

I can't say that I wouldn't do any of the above if left to my own devices while she attends her conference.   I don't want to know how weak I am or might be.   And even if I didn't do anything, I don't want to even have the conversation I would surely have with myself about it.

I want to be here, at the house, googling Gulf Coast routes and packing duffle bags for boys.

It pains me that S is my Achilles' Heel, but more than that, I'm overjoyed that I recognize it now and can make healthy decisions.

My family deserves that.   Hell, I deserve it.

And that feels pretty good.

Finding Forty; Day 372; 30 Rock Monster

The green eyed monster took a huge bite out of my dimpled ass and poisoned me this week.    I hate being jealous, but I am.

We've been watching a lot of 30 Rock reruns this summer and I find myself amazed and in awe of the level of creativity on that show.

I understand their sort of humor is an acquired taste, but it's a flavor my family relishes.   As I sit and listen to the absurd lines that are both written and expertly delivered, I yearn to do something that brilliant.

I'm actually funny in "real life", with a quick wit and a sharp tongue.  But when I sit down to write, all that pours forth are ponderings and deep thoughts.   I'm the Jack Handey of my generation, full of useless nuggets of wisdom, worry, and whatnot.

When I read other writers who are able to channel funny into their blogs or scripts, I crave that sort of giftedness and yet I can't escape my head.

I want to write about stupid things I've said or done that day, but instead I use this platform to work out my more melancholy and serious thoughts.   I know I want and need to write more this summer, so maybe I'll make a concerted effort to work on the humor.    It doesn't mean the somberness will dissipate, but I will try to balance more.

The characters on 30 Rock resonate with me.   I am at once Liz and Jenna combined; quirky and nerdy with a penchant for embarrassing myself while at the same time craving attention.   I think that is why I love the show as I do.   In so many ways, I think I could have written those lines because I've lived them.

So, funny it is.   Which is really so NOT funny.   The fact that I'm whining about wanting to be funny just emphasizes how far I have to go.

Oh well...at least I'm not crying about asshole men or my obsessive tendencies or drunk texting.   Although, I suspect there's huge humor in those moments too.   It's all in how you spin it.

Back off, Green Eyed Monster, I'm done with you.

Stay tuned for the summer experiment....

Finding Forty, Day 367; A New Year

I'm two days past my first anniversary of this blog.   I suppose that means I should redefine, rename, refocus in some way.   At some point I probably will, but just can't be arsed with it for now.

My mind is fluttering, flittering elsewhere.

To begin with, I was "unofficially" offered the teaching job!  The hiring committee selected me as their first choice, but I've not yet signed any paperwork.   I found out earlier this week and danced a jig in the middle of the aisle in Target.   It was a silent, solitary moment of pure happiness and relief.   With my shopping excursion thrown completely off track, I quickly paid for my few items and rushed to tell A the good news.  With business and consequent personal bankruptcy looming, me having a solid job is a lifesaver.   Many thanks were whispered, shouted, uttered through tears that evening.

Since finding out, I've enjoyed daydreaming about my new school, my new crop of kids, my fellow teacher and future friends and confidantes.   I'm happy to get a fresh start with people who don't know me and the baggage I haul.   In time, I'm sure they'll find out, but when and what I choose to share will come from a more tranquil, healed place.

I like new beginnings.

The other thoughts occupying my mind is our upcoming summer vacation.   We are making a road trip, with two other families, to Destin, Florida in a little less than two weeks.

Crazy?  Probably.   But we are all so very excited.  I am an extensive list maker and it's been so much fun to ponder all of the things we need to pack and bring.   Last summer, we went to the Texas coast but A and I were deep in the midst of turmoil.  We shared a bedroom, but little else.  I was angry, resentful, lonely.   I found fault in just about everything he did, from spending too much time with the kids to chewing noisily.    In short, I was an asshole.

For his part, he was angry and hurt and had no reason or desire to let me in.   It was a feeble attempt to create some false sense of family, as if by pretending to walk on the beach together would instantaneously bond us together.

It was a colossal failure and shortly after, we separated.

Technically, we live apart still.   I pay rent to a 1200 sf apartment that is almost as expensive as our mortgage payment.    And yet, I am writing this from the bedroom we shared for 12 years and are slowly beginning to share again.  

I can't type this without crying.   I love him so much, I can't believe I was so willing to throw it away in a haze of shortsighted stupidity.

My new secret dream is for us to remarry each other.   Although we aren't divorced, I broke our vows and I want to recommit my heart and life to him.

Now isn't the time.  I can't yet tell him I want to do this.   But hopefully, someday.

Maybe this year's trip to the beach will bring forth a new beginning of another sort.

Finding Forty, Day 357; Robin Round

Today I had an interview for a 4th grade teaching position.  They wanted someone who was strong in writing.   Um, hello?   This would be my dream job if there ever was one for teaching.

It was a committee interview, round robin style with the folding chairs organized in a circle.   Hot seat anyone?

Every time I crossed my legs in my Republican wanna be, safe and conservative, stuffy suit, I worried that the Round Robins might catch an unsavory glimpse of my scuba certified Spanx underneath.

I employed every leg cross known to mankind and quite possibly Kate Middleton, once she masters the Royal Wave, that is.

Well meaning friends and family have already asked how it went?   How did it go?  Well, to begin with, it went clockwise.   The questions that is.

The teacher to my left began and then we went around, like a very predictable game of Truth or Dare for at least 2, maybe 3, rounds.

Funny how about 20 minutes in the salivary glands go through an impromptu, involuntary shut down.   No amount of swallowing or rapid attempts to produce saliva help.   Insert weak smile here in hopes that the up curve of the facial muscles might release a bit of juice to whet the fast talking, over exemplifying whistle that is getting a workout.

But seriously, how did it go?  I should officially know in a week.   There were definite moments of connection and humor, with them laughing at jokes I cracked.   And yes, I felt comfortable enough to crack jokes.   There were also moments where I faltered a bit over answers and now wish I had the chance to word them differently or highlight other elements of my strengths.

And yet, it's over with.  Done.  Too late now to truly make a difference.  I've made my mark, left my impression, hopefully deep enough to sink in and resonate.

The thing is...I really liked this group of people who interviewed me.  I WANT to feel like a part of their team, somehow who contributes to in a meaningful way.   I know that girl is me.

As I type, my fingers are crossed.   I promise to keep you posted!

Finding Forty; Day 356; Found

The birthday has come and gone.   Before I fell asleep Monday night I toyed with the idea of blogging, but decided that the beauty of finding oneself certainly involved freedom.

I felt free to let the writing simmer until the right moment emerged.

It just has.

After a busy day, I walked into A's house (*our* house) to find him sitting at the computer job hunting.   Starving, I was pissed off that he hadn't even started dinner, knowing my day had been stressful and harried.

With some positive self talk and reminders about what is important to me in life, I went to him and said, "At some point tonight, I'd really love to visit with you."   Sugar coating?  Possibly.  But that was the actual truth.   Yes, I wanted dinner ready, but I am fully capable of preparing that.  What I can't do is fabricate great time spent with A.   So, I asked for what I wanted.  I have the freedom to do that.

But what truly prompted the writing tonight was a statement A once said about me during the heat of one of our many discussions since the affair.

He said that I hadn't truly known love in my life for if I had, I wouldn't have done such things.  His words stung in the moment, but resonated deeply.   Was he right?   Wrong?   I was left searching, although I knew instantly I'd known love with my children.

But tonight, as I started dinner and waited for a free moment with him, I realized how loved I really am.

On our eldest's son's bed was a huge box.  It was full of clothes for him that my dad and sister had bought and sent his way.   A few weeks ago I mentioned that he thought is current clothes were "dorky" and "too small" and the very next day, they pooled their money, my sister went shopping, and this box of clothes was delivered.   It was so reminiscent of the generosity my mom used to bestow upon us, in times of need or not.   Within minutes, I was weeping tears of joy, sadness, longing.   I missed her but was so happy to feel her presence alive through my sister and my dad.

I sat down at the dining room table, texting her, wiping my tears and reflecting on my day.

After school today, a co-worker who used to be a recruiter offered to give me a "mock" interview to help me hone my skills.   It was at the end of her work day, when I knew she had places to be, but instead she sat down and helped her friend.  

Also at A's house, on the kitchen counter today, was an envelope with my name on it.   I opened it with curiosity and a slight bit of worry.  Was it a bill?   Something I'd neglected to take care of in this crazy time?

The letter unfolded and I discovered that it was from my friend down the street.   I once tutored her son a few years ago and she had taken the time during work today to write a letter of recommendation for me.   I was moved again to tears.

A says I don't know love.

Here is what I know.

Love isn't sneaking texts in the middle of the night or when you excuse yourself to the men's room.   It's not promising one thing but never delivering.   Love doesn't forget that you have children.   Love doesn't only talk about himself or you.   Love encompasses the good, the bad, the ugly, the unemployed.

A was wrong.   Or if he wasn't, he is now.

I know love.

Finding Forty has found that she is, indeed, truly loved.

Finding Forty; Day 348; Mirror, Mirror

I lied.

The drive home from my sister's house is closer to 5 hours.   The roads wind, but don't seem to be as magically tree lined as I recalled on my way there.    I think I had my snapshot moment of reuniting when I arrived back in town, but I can't even say for sure.

I do know that as I drove home, I fast forwarded through the sappy songs and focused on getting to my final destination as soon as possible.

A is my bubble.  When I push myself out of that iridescent, mesmerizing realm of security I flail.  I knew that the faster I arrived home, the sooner I could be engulfed in that filmy, bulbous, room of safety.   Whatever that might mean.

Arriving home also brought work stress and worry.   I feel like my days and nights are engulfed with stress over my job.  The dentist yesterday suggested many things, including a mouth guard, muscle relaxers and botox as a last resort to alleviate all of the tension I carry in my jawline.   For now, because I'm poor, I'm working on self awareness and relaxation techniques.

Yesterday, I emailed R, my best friend in Chicago (who I honestly feel like I haven't talked to in months) and as I signed off on my email, I realized I had essentially written a blog.  I know I felt like I would be remiss not to share the honesty here.   And with that, here is where I am tonight as I gaze into the mirror of who I truly am.

Dear R,


Is the detox and B12 stuff going okay?   I'd be scared to see how I check out after the past few years.  I have a dentist appointment this afternoon and I'm worried about that.   Stress is a killer.
 
My weekend was alright, mostly good.   We had the couples massage on Sat.   It felt good, as most massages do, but I'm always left with a....is that it?  afterwards.
 
So, my real issue is A.   Things are good and I can envision wanting a future with him, but he is being so very guarded it is hard for me to tell if he's into this (the reunion/me) or not.   I know I cheated on him and have a ton of work to do to mend his heart and rebuild his trust, but it all feels VERY one sided right now.  I am physically affectionate, verbally supportive, very much "acts of service" in terms of doing THINGS for him (chores, helping out, etc.)....all trying to show him how sorry I am.   And I WANT to do these things, but not forever if there is nothing in return.   I can't be in a one sided relationship, no matter how scared/hurt he is.
 
We talked about this a bit last night.   He is very conflicted.  Part of him feels like less a man for letting someone who treated him like I did back in.   The other part of him loves me and is a loving person and therefore wants love to rule.   He is still unsure he can do what it takes to make me happy.   I tell him that my idea of what I need for happiness has shifted and until he shows me the unguarded him, I can't tell if he's able to make me happy or not.   I feel like I am patient enough to ride all of this out until it just doesn't work for me anymore.
 
There is less animosity between us.  He says he forgives me and I believe he does.  He knows I am truly remorseful and I made sure to ask for his forgiveness last night.   I've said I'm sorry a million times, but I'm not sure I"ve ever actually asked for his forgiveness.   So, I did.  
 
He says he wants me to be happy, but him happy too.   Can we both be happy together?  That is still left to be seen.
 
So...is being with him or wanting him a compromise on my part?  Am I selling out?   I'm not sure.   I know that when all that shit happened in Houston and I felt painfully, horribly misunderstood  and alone, the only person I wanted and who I knew would understand me was A.   I know there is a bond with us that goes deeper than the fact that we are parents together.   I see that happiness and peace is a slow burn, not an explosion of fireworks in a few fiery bursts.
 
I guess what I am wondering is if he even WANTS to be with me?   I can't derive much joy or happiness from him.   It's almost like he's numb.   Having said that, I think he's past the part of pretending.   He's pretty much got a What the fuck attitude about so much lately, I would think that if he weren't into "us", he'd have no part of it.  He's actually said as much, that's he isnt' doing anything he doesn't want to be doing.   Maybe there's a bit of him that is sort of enjoying the near groveling on my part. ;)
 
I know I"m rambling.  This is all very confusing.   
 
Added to it all are these ever so slight nagging feelings about S.   I don't envision a future with him, I just play those stupid..."I wonder if he's thinking about me?" games in my head.   "I wonder if he remembers my birthday is coming up?" ....stuff like that.    "What if I NEVER talk to him or see him again for the rest of my life?"....Ugh.    I suppose I would be fine.
 
I actually SEE and BELIEVE now that people DO, in fact, survive broken hearts!!   I can put him away (most of the time) and just let him sit on shelf in the dusty corner of my heart.


I'm sorry for rambling,
Kate


And so there you have it.  I realize there is some backstory that might be hard to follow, but mostly I wanted to express that despite my growth about S and my awakenings about A, I am still the same, old, confused me I once was.    


When I look into that mirror, I still am not quite sure who, in fact, I see.