Wow!
Wasn't sure what in the hell I'd write about tonight, but now I have my fodder.
All day long I've been missing S. I don't really like to write about it, because there are certain readers who particularly hate him and never hesitate to let me know.
Last night I dreamed of him. Dreamed of showing him my new, short hair. Today, and yes, I will sadly admit this, I took pictures of myself, of my short hair and seriously contemplated sending them to him.
I know it's for naught. I know it only makes me look pitiful. But I still cry. And I don't mean the single, solitary, Indian crying over the state of garbage in our world, sort of tear.
I SOB. I scream at the top of my lungs, I wail, I run the mascara, I make my throat raw. I cry. Missing S still 100% consumes me. And yes, I hate admitting that.
So, flash forward to tonight. I'm on the computer, helping son #3, who is only 6, gather pictures for an assignment for class. He needs a picture of everyone in his family. We quickly peruse through my album and then completely out of the blue he says to me, "You were way happier and skinnier when I was young."
I shook my head as if to make sure I heard him correctly. My eyes bugged out and I asked him to repeat himself. For the second time, he said the same thing.
My throat clenched. What could I say?
"Yes, sweetie. Mommy WAS happier. Everyday last year, she spent a good deal of time talking to another man other than your daddy. That man made her laugh, made her love. Made her feel a way that she had never felt before. She was skinny because she didn't care about food. All she wanted was more of him." I could have said that.
I could have followed with, "And guess what, baby?" "That same man completely dumped me. What Mommy thought was honest to God, true, everlasting love...well, he didn't really see it that way."
I could continue on with, "So, yes, Mommy has gained some weight. Lately it seems that food is really the only thing that I feel like won't let me down. It makes me feel good and I can control every other aspect about it. It comforts me, brings me pleasure and is always there for me. Very unlike the man I so loved last year."
I could also say, "And yes, I was happier. Mommy's heart was so full of love, she didn't even know what to do. For the first time in her life, she was able to be herself and admit and confess to all of her quirky, odd ball ways. And she truly thought that the person she was sharing all of that with loved her back and would always love her back."
I don't want to have to add, "But, guess what darling? People say things they don't mean. They tell you all sorts of beautiful, heart wrenching stories and words that make you believe that magic really can happen. And then they get scared, or realize they have changed their mind, and then, in an instant, they take it all away."
It's no wonder I'm not as happy.
It's no wonder I'm not as fit.
Dealing with a broken heart makes for a shitty existence. In the midst of it all, I haven't been as chipper, nor have I given a shit about how I looked.
And yet, now I do.
My six year old notices.
That means something to me.
I'm so sorry I've let myself go like this. I'm so sorry I got so incredibly sad.
Who has benefited from this?
Who?
In then end, I think no one.
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
Don't say that, Kate. That was a wake-up call!
ReplyDeleteStart taking care of *yourself*, my dear. STOP the self-loathing because that hurts you and people notice.
Demonstrate some love to yourself and eventually others will notice the positive changes instead of the negative.
(I also admit that I chuckled when your six year old son said "when I was young." He still *is* young.)
If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.
-French Bean
Thanks! You are sweet and right.
ReplyDeleteI plan to stop the self loathing and try to find at least one humorous thing about my day!
Isn't it frightening just how astute children are?
ReplyDeleteAnd Bean is right - you need to make an effort to love yourself. And it IS an effort. I have to WORK to find things to laugh about every day, but it makes me life better. You need to spend some time WORKING to love yourself. :) You deserve it.
That's seriously tough, but you gotta hang in there... I think most women know how you feel to some degree. It sucks. But at least you're sticking it out as a mom and someday your kids are going to be a reflection of how hard you are working now to get through it.
ReplyDeleteLooks like you have friends to help see you through, too.
Best wishes....