Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 124; BIG

I have a new follower and she's pretty cool.   I mean, I love ALL of my followers, don't get me wrong.   What makes the new one so interesting is that she's a single mom whose husband left her and yet, she's still willing to read my drivel and make heartfelt comments on what I say.

In a recent comment, she posted about how she could relate to me.   She mentioned that she got it because on some level, we are all after THE BIG LOVE.

That's how she typed it and that's exactly how my love for S felt.   To me, he was my BIG LOVE.   THE  BIG LOVE.

I gave him all of my heart and he took it.   All of it.  Every last bloody ounce.   And now I find that most days, I feel heartless.  Dead.  Void.  Empty.

And I hate him for that.

I have no idea how his days go.   I envision him just rocking along like normal.  Like we never even existed.

I know that I sent him the birthday gift and I've not heard one word back about it.   Nothing.  Nada.  No email, no text, nothing.

For me, that is the nail in the coffin and I find that I'm utterly and totally pissed off.   Yes, yes and again yes, I know the writing has been on the wall.  No need to point out the obvious.  He's doing a fine job of that.

There have been heiroglyphics, smoke signals, banners pulled behind planes,  spray painted graffitti.  If I'm not mistaken, he even somehow managed to tattoo his denial of me right across my naive, stupid, little heart.  And to think he told me he hated tattoos!

He doesn't want me. 

He used me.

 And I was fool enough to let him.

I have never given of myself so completely, other than to my children when they were helpless infants and toddlers, and with them, I always received something in return.   I was so foolish to believe all of the things he told me.

And tonight, it all makes me blood boiling angry.

I wanted THE BIG LOVE.  I believed with all of my heart that I'd found it.   And that belief caused me to risk everything I knew and had known for decades.

He's an asshole.   An emotional terrorist as R calls  him.   And he's 'hi-jacked' me up.  

It's not fair that I can't get through a day without thinking of him 100 times.   The only difference now is that where I used to think of him, sigh, and utter the words, "I love him", I now think of him and with scorn in my voice and most definitely in my heart, I spit, "I HATE him".

The thing is, I'm not a hater.   I'm not the girl who is nasty and cruel and spiteful and ugly.   Compassion and empathy are my nature.

But I'm done making excuses for his shitty, poor, sorry excuse for a human being.   He did a terrible thing and if I can't bring justice on my own, I have to believe somewhere in my heart that his time will come. 

Yes, I know I cheated.   I betrayed the vows of my marriage and hurt A deeply.   I can't undo that travesty.   But in the process,  I was at least honest to everyone and I was open about my feelings.  

Maybe, in black and white, I'm no better than S.   I'm the same, scummy, low life that he knows he is.   The funny thing is, I think by blocking me out of his life and mind, he somehow believes he can make it all better, make it all untrue.

Whatever.   I believe that until he and his wife deal with their truth, their reality, no one ever gets to fully recover.

Certainly not me.   And yet I can't control one single thing he does.

I just want to scream tonight.

I have no real point to this.  I just needed to vent and this was my safe place.

My BIG LOVE ended up being the biggest mistake of my life.   The biggest loser, the biggest asshole, the biggest user.

And I'm left being the BIG IDIOT.

I'm sure there are BIG LESSONS to be learned here somewhere, but for now, I'll have to settle with BIG ANGER and DISAPPOINTMENT.

It's a Strange Condition...


  1. Hummm...this might be progress. You've moved into an anger stage and at least that's movement!

    You're enjoying being the victum right now. He did this to me and he's horrid. But maybe it was just a fling that ran its course. Remember when you were in junior high and you were head over heels about a boy one week and it was over the next? Maybe its just over for him.

    You give away a lot of power being angry with him and not recognizing your own part in this relationship.

    I don't know who said it, but a quote that really rings true for me is: Success is the best revenge. You can't will him to love you. You can't will him to be miserable. All you can do is manage your own life. Make your own life a success. Months from now you'll run across S as you leave a movie're healthy and glowing, with bright eyes and shiney hair and you're laughing with your companion when you look up and see him. When you're happy within yourself, he will mean nothing to you

    Success is the best revenge. You don't really need revenge, you need to heal yourself and be happy with yourself. There isn't a magic person that can do that for you. As Glenda the good witch says "You have always had the power."

  2. I was thinking about the anger and it signifying growth, which actually made me smile.

    A healthy, happy me would be the best outcome and I'm not really the vengeful sort anyway.

    Love the Oz quote!

  3. the quote that immediately came to mind was a favorite of mine from Gloria Steinem- the truth will set you free, but first it will really piss you off!

  4. Hey, thanks for the honorable mention:-) I have been taking photo's in the bush of elephants and lions for the last 4 days - so couldn't reply to your post till today.