Finding Forty, Day 111; Crumbs

I finished another self help book today.   In the past few years, I've grown obsessed with them.   In a desperate attempt to find validation, I thumb through page after page of life affirming words, written by strangers miles and miles away.

It's soothing.  It brings me comfort.  I like knowing I'm not the only broken cookie in the jar.

This book I read in less than 24 hours.   I must confess, I liked it, even though it was scary and at times annoying.

I want A to read it but I know he won't.  He doesn't like self help books at all.   He barely tolerated therapy or so it seems to me.  I know before Kenya left, he didn't see any need to continue visiting her.   "Why pay money to hear her tell me what I've heard her say before?" he'd ask.

Thing is, I could pay to see her daily.  I s'pose that's the depth of help I need.

And seeing how we are still on the verge of fiscal ruin, a $15 book I can read and reread seems more economical than a one hour visit at $100 with a complete stranger. 

The book was called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and it outlines questions in a sort of check list format for you to work your way through answering.   The author's stance is that if you run across any element in the check list that gives you pause, and then cause for leaving, you will most likely be happy having done so.

Her take is that even if you have ONE thing that gives you reason to end your relationship,  you'll probably be happier if you left.

Out of 36 criteria, I had 19 that should indicate that leaving is okay.   I had 17 that indicated my marriage was too good to give up on.

You're not supposed to compare them or keep tallies.  One should be enough, but for me it's still not.

Regardless, having read the book, I find myself in a contemplative, pensive mood.   I so want A to read it or at least peruse it or possibly even ask me about it, but I know he won't.  He likes to avoid.

Speaking of avoiding, he's yet to visit the banker in light of our potential bankruptcy situation.   We continue to float along our river of denial.  

Going through the motions is our strong suit and I'm convinced we've done it for years, maybe even since the beginning of our relationship.   It just wasn't until after S was in the picture that I realized how uncomfortable and unappeasing it is to do.

With the weekend here, maybe we'll find time to really talk.   It's been a busy, tiring, week full of activities and appointments.  I want a slow pace, another good sleep, and some peace of mind.  I don't mind being a broken cookie,  I just don't want to feel alone anymore.