Thursday, September 16, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 111; Crumbs

I finished another self help book today.   In the past few years, I've grown obsessed with them.   In a desperate attempt to find validation, I thumb through page after page of life affirming words, written by strangers miles and miles away.

It's soothing.  It brings me comfort.  I like knowing I'm not the only broken cookie in the jar.

This book I read in less than 24 hours.   I must confess, I liked it, even though it was scary and at times annoying.

I want A to read it but I know he won't.  He doesn't like self help books at all.   He barely tolerated therapy or so it seems to me.  I know before Kenya left, he didn't see any need to continue visiting her.   "Why pay money to hear her tell me what I've heard her say before?" he'd ask.

Thing is, I could pay to see her daily.  I s'pose that's the depth of help I need.

And seeing how we are still on the verge of fiscal ruin, a $15 book I can read and reread seems more economical than a one hour visit at $100 with a complete stranger. 

The book was called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and it outlines questions in a sort of check list format for you to work your way through answering.   The author's stance is that if you run across any element in the check list that gives you pause, and then cause for leaving, you will most likely be happy having done so.

Her take is that even if you have ONE thing that gives you reason to end your relationship,  you'll probably be happier if you left.

Out of 36 criteria, I had 19 that should indicate that leaving is okay.   I had 17 that indicated my marriage was too good to give up on.

You're not supposed to compare them or keep tallies.  One should be enough, but for me it's still not.

Regardless, having read the book, I find myself in a contemplative, pensive mood.   I so want A to read it or at least peruse it or possibly even ask me about it, but I know he won't.  He likes to avoid.

Speaking of avoiding, he's yet to visit the banker in light of our potential bankruptcy situation.   We continue to float along our river of denial.  

Going through the motions is our strong suit and I'm convinced we've done it for years, maybe even since the beginning of our relationship.   It just wasn't until after S was in the picture that I realized how uncomfortable and unappeasing it is to do.

With the weekend here, maybe we'll find time to really talk.   It's been a busy, tiring, week full of activities and appointments.  I want a slow pace, another good sleep, and some peace of mind.  I don't mind being a broken cookie,  I just don't want to feel alone anymore.


  1. Why wont A read the book? It does sound interesting. I don't buy into the whole "one thing" and leaving your marriage bit-do you? I think that not trying at all, but who am I?

    I, also would have kept a tallie:)

  2. I read that book when I was in a similar position. For me, even when I thought I was being totally honest with myself, I sometimes came up with different answers to the questions, depending on the day. In the end, I realized that more and more it looked as if I should leave, and in the end I did. I wonder if the beauty of that book is the way you perceive the answers to the questions...nothing is cut and dry, but it might help ease you in the right direction.
    I wish you so much luck!

  3. Well, I'm just hoping for the best for you, Kate. ^.^

    -Your Cheerleader

  4. My heart goes out to you, Kate. I can't begin to imagine all that is going on in your heart and in your head, but try to keep your chin up - one day, you will realize you have found your way and want to see what is ahead. Best wishes to you!

  5. "...if you have ONE thing that gives you reason to end your relationship, you'll probably be happier if you left."
    Oh hell, if I'd left every time I came up with ONE reason, not balanced against reasons to stay, the last thirty years would have been a revolving door.

    Some people are self-help-book types, and some aren't. I have a whole bookshelf full of those books. I put them way up high when I began to look in them for sympathy rather than self-help.
    A's avoidance of the financial issue, though, bothers me. In those circumstances, it is best to stand up and face up and deal with it honestly. We have been there, done that. The thing that saved our financial credibility was Husband's straightforwardness.

  6. You guys are very sweet. Thanks for your comments.

    June, I like what you say about looking to books for sympathy rather than self help. Hadn't framed it that way.