Finding Forty, Day 114; A Day in The Life

A day in my life is fairly crazy, at least as far as my inner thoughts are concerned.

Slept in til 9, which is an absolute luxury.  I loved every nano second of it and thank the Sleep Gods profusely for indulging me this chance.  

Awoke rested and ready to make the most of this day, remembering I was loosely scheduled to meet a friend for coffee and girl talk.

As I walked to the coffee shop, A accompanied me and we were able to discuss our relationship in a neutral and open manner.  I always appreciate that.

My friend and I met and talked and pondered and shared for over two hours.   We work together, but our paths never cross, so it was lovely to spend time with her.  I value her opinion and see her as a strong, vibrant woman.   The more I grow to know her though, I also see her as fragile and vulnerable.   I see her as human.   That's a good thing and I  just want the best for her in life and hope she knows I'm there for her always as she figures this out.

Before I knew it, it was time to head home.   Of course, after having spent time with her discussing the details of my life, I wanted to keep talking with A.   As soon as I returned, I asked him, "Do you think we even have a chance of making it?"   Because in all honesty, I can't walk away from this marriage if I think there is a chance.   And deep down, I feel like there has to be.  I'm just not sure at what cost.

Now, having admitted that, I also have to admit that I feel suffocated at that thought and terrified and sad.   I'm not sure how the two go hand in hand.  There are slivers of him, of us, that spring forth to life from time to time, and when they do, they pierce.

I can't ignore it.

I also can't ignore the basic facts of who we are and who we've grown into.

We talked deeply for over an hour and then realized we had to be at middle son's soccer game.   Sometimes I try to pretend we are already divorced, but both equally involved in our children's lives.  I try to imagine how I would feel walking up to a soccer sideline, knowing we were once together but are now no longer.   Would my heart shatter?   Would tears well up in my eyes?   Or would I say, "Hey, how are you?" and not really skip a beat?

S told me many times that you can't "unknow".   In his context, he meant how he felt about me.   It was his way of assuring me he'd always love me.   Funny, it seems he's unknown me pretty well these past few months.    But on some level, I understand what he means.  I can't unknow A.  He will always be a part of me.   Especially in the faces and minds of these beautiful creatures we've created.

Once the soccer game ended, we headed home.  We had plans to eat dinner at a neighbor's house, but there was a few hours lag time.   I don't like empty moments.   They make me crazy, make my mind want to go to work.    And I've found in life that when my mind goes to work, sadness and hard moments abound.

Luckily, another neighbor was heading to Costco, so I bummed along.  I was able to get all the meals for this coming week, plus some healthy snacks and lunches for me for work.    I felt happy to be accomplishing something productive.

As we were checking out, a few aisles over was an older man who looked so much like S it pained me.  It was as if  he'd stepped into a time machine and fast forwarded 25 years.  I felt shocked, taken aback.   And then I felt a wave of sadness.   It made me realize that S lives his life, most likely content without me, running his own errands, with his own wife, just pushing me further and further away.   Unknowing me all the while.

I didn't let it totally derail me, though.  I came  home and began preparing for dinner.  I baked a homemade banana cake and made a gorgeous salad, showered, and headed to my friends' house.   Having the three couples there, laughing and savoring delicious food and drink was great.

During dinner, A told a story about the time that he and I tried to make blackened fish when we were in college.   Dense, acrid smoke filled our apartment and through tears and probably even laughter, we ate our spicy, charred dinner.   I looked at him across the room (because he sat at the furthest chair from me) and my heart hurt again.

Where did we go wrong?  Where did I get off track?

I'm sorry I'm always sad.   You know, I want readers and followers of this blog, but I understand if you can't tolerate my indecisiveness and fear and fickleness and everything else I happen to be.   In the end, I write this for me, to help me sort through my cluttered heart and mind.

Just know I really am trying.   In whatever mixed up way that is.

I do so want everyone to be okay.