Finding Forty, Day 108; Oppressive

The humidity today was horrible, stifling.  Each time I stepped outside, I felt suffocated, choked, struggling for breath.

It probably didn't help that I chose to wear a black, maxi dress, but how was I to know how thick the air would be?

Today's weather is how I feel about my love life.  Nothing lately feels breezy, airy, light.

Either I'm missing S, wailing into the nothingness of my car as I drive home from work or I'm sitting at the dinner table feeling smothered by my life, my choices, by A.

I don't want to whine, so should probably just shut up now, but I truly am stuck.   I feel confused and unsure and scared.    I feel angry and frustrated.   Even though I have friends who love me, I still feel alone.   If for no other reason than that this is my problem, my dilemma, my situation from which to arise.

The more I think about S and how he's disposed of me, the angrier I get.  I trusted him, gave him my all and he tossed me aside.   I am angry with myself for not being able to move on, for being in such debilitating denial that it's left me feeling crazy most of the time.

A and I do okay, but are definitely in coasting mode.  That makes me mad too.   Why can't I just love him like I used to?  Why can't I just be happy with my life?   What is wrong with me?

Work is so much more difficult this year, which makes me sad because last year, it was one of my greatest joys in life.  I looked forward to going every, single day.   Not so much now.

But there is good.  I can always find something to smile about.   R says that my ability to find humor in my depths of despair astounds her.  I know I don't show it here much, but the two of us do share at least one laugh a day.   I can start with that.

Tonight I'm going to smile about a warm bath, a good book and my cozy bed.   I want to sleep like a baby tonight.    Nothing oppressive about that.