Sunday, September 26, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 121; Charlotte

Days slip by.  I don't mean not to write.  Sometimes I know what I want to say, I'm just afraid to even put it out here.

Other days, I feel blank, as if I have nothing.

Today is S's birthday.  I wish I could say I just let it go by, like any of the other 364 days of the year, but I didn't.

I didn't call or text.  I didn't email, although in the few birthdays we did share, our thing was to wish the other person a "happy birthday" before anyone else could, so we'd leave a well timed email in the other's inbox wishing them a happy day just at the stroke of midnight.

I'm happy to report, I slept right through midnight this morning and well past 7 a.m.

What I did do was send him a present.

I hate even admitting it and the instant I left the post office, I had a really sick feeling in my stomach.  Best I can surmise, it was a feeling of regret and embarrassment.  It was as if I pitied myself for being so weak.

The gift was a small, handmade, leather bound writing journal.   We once talked about how he would love to have one and as his birthday approached, I just thought I'd find a simple one and send it.

The journal was called The Epiphany Journal, which I found too ironic to pass up, although I know full well I should have.

He told me before that if I was waiting for him to have an epiphany, to let go of that dream, that he wasn't going to.

I never believed him.   Maybe I still don't, although with each passing day that we don't have contact, I see that he absolutely meant what he said.

So, yes, I sent the journal.   I included a card that was funny and a letter.  The letter wasn't one of my weepy, begging, please have the epiphany you said you'd never have letters.   It was a simple, straightforward, I hope this finds you well letter.

In the journal, I cut out passages from some of my favorite books and glued them on random pages.   Nothing lovey dovey.    Three of them were actually from children's books, if you can believe that.

There was a quote from the Star Wars book Attack of the Clones, an Emily Dickinson poem, a section from Bridge to Terabithia, which is very dear to me, and some quotes from Stephen King's Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption.

Another thing I included  was one of my most favorite of all, the last paragraph from E.B. White's Charlotte's Web.  These words have always resonated with me and for some reason, I was compelled to place them in the journal.

"Wilbur never forgot Charlotte. Although he loved her children and grandchildren dearly, none of the new spiders ever quite took her place in his heart. She was in a class by herself. It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both."
E.B. White (Charlotte's Web

Don't ask my why I did it.   Please.   There won't be an answer that suits any logically minded person.   Also, don't chastise me either.  It's done.  Over. 

I'm not proud, not happy, not even hopeful it will do anything other than possibly stir a bit of pity in his heart for the sad, lonely, scorned lover who can't seem to let him go.

Thing is, I know I've been holding onto a fantasy.   Believe it or not, I really can see that now.   I just have to re-frame my thoughts and hopes, re-dream my dreams.   It can be done.  People do it everyday.

If I'd been thinking straight, I'd have ordered the Epiphany Journal for me.  I'm the one who could really use it. 



  1. I feel for you. It's so hard to let go. A year or so ago,this gift would have meant something to him, now it is probably proof to him that him letting you go was the right thing to do.
    I spent yesterday reading every one of your posts. Can you believe it? I hoped I would learn something from them. I did. I sit on the other side of the fence from you, my husband of 17 years, left me for his "soul mate" ( more than once)
    Take it from me, your husband A, probably wishes he could inspire in you the feelings you had for S. We all want to be loved truly, deeply, madly...and now that you have had it - I'm sure he wants it all the more for himself. He knows though that the first prize for your family would be to have it with you.

    Love is essentially a verb, it's something we do. I'm willing to bet that you treated S very differently from the way you treat A.All the love notes and texts and thoughtful things we do for those we are in love with. That in love with someone feeling is actually chemical, and can stay in the body for about 2 years. After that nature feels we should have developed a more mature kind of love that is sustainable and the "in love drug" ebbs.
    Your feelings are really a product of your thoughts. You felt the way you did about S because of the thoughts you thought about him. That's how he is able to switch off as easily as he is doing at the moment, by changing his thinking. He is thinking differently about you. He may be thinking " I made such a terrible mistake, I am so glad my wife is willing to take me back" or any number of thoughts that will rewrite the history the two of you have had together, you are struggling to let go because of the thoughts you are thinking about him. Thoughts like I am still in love with him, can't let him go etc, etc.
    Test my theory if you will and think something different for a whole day, see how you feel. Think something different about A too,see how you feel.
    I know I'm coming across as an unwelcome psychologist, and this comment is more like an essay, and for that I apologize.
    What I learned was that it isn't so different on your side of the fence as mine.
    It sucks either way.

  2. I actually saw that you had become a follower and while I haven't yet read your blog, I quickly realized we were coming at this from opposing sides.

    I post my everything, my stupid moments for precisely this reason.

    Your words this morning are perfect. I am thankful to hear what you have to say and honestly believe you.

    I am sorry you have had to go through this. My heart knows.

    Again, thank you. I feel I could learn very much from you if you'd be willing to keep sharing.

    Again, thank you.

  3. I'm not so sure we are coming at things from different sides. I think we both wanted the same things.THE BIG LOVE. The way we went about it may have been different,and that's ok. Glad my words didn't come off as preachy or self-righteous, cause I don't feel that way.

  4. know...the night before I married Husband I phoned First Love.
    It was something to do with doors closing and doors opening...