My emotions bounced all over the place.
Fortunately for me, I have excellent friends. R, who lives miles and miles and miles away, is amazing. She's been my rock of support since before the affair and daily she brings a smile to my face. Actually, she brings more than a smile. She makes me laugh out loud. I can think about things she says and will laugh hours later. She's awesome like that.
The other day, after that dream I had about S, our texts went something like this:
Her: You better today? Sleep ok?
Me: Yes, thanks. Did sleep better, trying to find a way to broach separation talk again. This status quo doesn't work for me.
Her: I"ll do it for you. Like Whoopi did in Ghost. Molly girl, you in danger.
Me: OMG. You're a hoot.
Her: I'll be your Whoopi.
Me: Danger of stagnating?
Her: No, that happened ages ago!
She is hilariously funny, but also brings the real.
Yesterday, we were able to IM a bit. Before I worked we'd spend more time than I'd ever dream of admitting instant messaging. I miss talking to her in that way, so any chance I get, I'll pop online and shoot the shit with her.
Lately, she's been sexting with an old flame and that always provides fodder for laughs. We also always talk about my situation because as I said earlier, she's been a pillar of strength and support for me for many years now.
What follows is a fairly typical conversation for us, but this is what we discussed yesterday.
Me: Yo!
Her: Sup yo! How are you?
Me: Not bad. I really think this weekend I'm going to talk to A. It's just so hard, so scary.
Her: I know, it is hard and will be a bit scary. Much like anal sex.
Me: Right! Anal sex IS scary. I've tried it with A and it hurt like hell. My little sphincter was as closed as a liquor store in Texas on a Sunday afternoon. Funny though, I always wanted to do anal with S. With him, I bet my ass would be as open as the Grand Canyon.
Her: Oh boy!
Her: You should see what I have going on in my other IM window.
Her: I'm sexting with F as he's driving his son to practice.
Me: Oh my!
Her: Apparently, butthole licking is huge in porn right now!
Me: Eww, gross. Although, if S wanted me to lick his ass, I would. Probably in the shower though.
Her: If S wanted you to eat his shit, I'm sure you would.
Me: I would. Sad, but true.
And through it all, she loves me still. I can be me, shit eating, asshole licking, daydreaming dork and she will just roll her eyes as she's rolling with my punches.
Recently I told her that I missed S terribly and that it had sort of hit me anew that he'd truly broken my heart. This was her reply:
"No surprise the heart was broken. I saw pretty much a lot o f what he was saying all last year and why WOULDN'T you believe he was just as invested in the relationship as you were? PRICK! Don't even get me going on that emotional terrorist! I wish I had easy tips on how to stop thinking about someone who really impacted your life experience."
Yeah, she makes me smile. My Whoopi tends to have that effect on people.
Accidentally saw your blog from the forum and just finished reading thru. It's just like reading about me, my life. Your story is just too close to home for me. Even the initials "A" and "S" were bullseyes. I am "A" and "S" is the other party. I am the rock, "S" is the love -- or so I think.
ReplyDeleteThere had never been an admission from my partner. And I don't think an admission will ever come. I have tried to move on, but she "won't let" me. I want to cut clean, she wants to remain friends. And I think she wants that for the same reasons as you. I have encouraged her to have a life with "S", but for some reason, she hasn't. I don't know what their deal is. But not knowing, that's what makes me want to cut clean. Question is, will knowing really help? From your blog, the answer seems to be "no".
I can relate with "A". How can I stay knowing that somebody else consumes and makes my partner happy? Especially if my partner is the way you describe "A" to be. You see, with my partner, my eyes would turn all whited before she answers some of my emails or text messages. And you're like me, the romantic. The one loving attention ... talking ... laughing.
I would have moved on if only my partner will let me. Just like "A" though, I just can't leave my partner flat and out to dary. This is not the first time I've loved and lost. Not the first time that I lost to another party. And each time hurt like there'll be no tomorrow. But each time, too, I learned that there is always a tomorrow. Always.
Will definitely "follow" your saga. Wish that you are able to get out of the rut sooner than later. Being in the rut is no fun. I know. I am in one now.
I am sorry you are in a rut. I hope my sharing helps more than it hurts.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing with me.