Finding Forty, Day 192; Him

I'm slipping into sadness tonight.  Perhaps I should just try to go to bed and get my mind off him.  

Which him, you ask?

I don't know.

 I think the 'him' I'm thinking about is the next him.   Will he be a stranger or someone I've known for years?

"Him?" you ask.   "Why not her?  Why not you?"

I flush with embarrassment and stammer.  I know I should be focusing on me and not giving one whit about another him, but I am.

I've always thought about him in some form or fashion.  I've always had crushes, always checked out guys, always dreamed of love and being in love.

Now I move through my days longing for a him to smile with me, make me laugh, hold my hand, want to talk to me at night or go places with me.

I walk into the grocery store or a restaurant and wonder, "Is that him?"

I fear the harder I look and the more I think about him, the more elusive he becomes.

This isn't all consuming, it's just what's on my mind lately.

I've been picturing myself at the beach for about a week now.  I'm wearing white and I am with him.  We spend long, luxurious afternoons making love in our bungalow and then talk for hours over dinner and wine before walking on the beach, hand in hand.

It's a silly, little fantasy, but I've been enjoying it.   The best part of all for me is that my him is faceless.  I don't pretend like it's A and I haven't even considered it being S.   There's an old friend from Jr. High I wouldn't mind it being, but he's not an option either.

So, for now, I'll just go along with him being unknown.

He is in "real life" anyway.