Monday, December 6, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 192; Him

I'm slipping into sadness tonight.  Perhaps I should just try to go to bed and get my mind off him.  

Which him, you ask?

I don't know.

 I think the 'him' I'm thinking about is the next him.   Will he be a stranger or someone I've known for years?

"Him?" you ask.   "Why not her?  Why not you?"

I flush with embarrassment and stammer.  I know I should be focusing on me and not giving one whit about another him, but I am.

I've always thought about him in some form or fashion.  I've always had crushes, always checked out guys, always dreamed of love and being in love.

Now I move through my days longing for a him to smile with me, make me laugh, hold my hand, want to talk to me at night or go places with me.

I walk into the grocery store or a restaurant and wonder, "Is that him?"

I fear the harder I look and the more I think about him, the more elusive he becomes.

This isn't all consuming, it's just what's on my mind lately.

I've been picturing myself at the beach for about a week now.  I'm wearing white and I am with him.  We spend long, luxurious afternoons making love in our bungalow and then talk for hours over dinner and wine before walking on the beach, hand in hand.

It's a silly, little fantasy, but I've been enjoying it.   The best part of all for me is that my him is faceless.  I don't pretend like it's A and I haven't even considered it being S.   There's an old friend from Jr. High I wouldn't mind it being, but he's not an option either.

So, for now, I'll just go along with him being unknown.

He is in "real life" anyway.


  1. I was a romantic just like you. Eventually I found I had walked and walked and walked and I was in a place where I was happy and content just to be me without a he. As I looked around I found that it was rather an empty place and it needed some things, so that is where I am now, rebuilding a life, content to be just me. Happy Travels!

  2. Love your writing.. You have spoken from so many hearts, so many minds, so many wants, so many needs.....
    You speak from all of us who are affraid to admit to needing someone who cares and wants more then the 9 to 5 daily rutine. Keep speaking, we are holding on...

  3. I understand these sentiments, Kate.

    I honestly wonder if "him" is just around the corner, waiting to greet me.

    But who knows?

    -Your Cheerleader