Saturday, December 18, 2010
Finding Forty; Day 204; Winter Breaks
I don't know what to write about.
Earlier this week, I envisioned a blog about sleeping alone in my bed. Yes, I feel like a four year old proclaiming my victory, stuffed teddy bear tucked under my arm. Instead, I'm forty and I have a stuffed hippo who spends his nights with me.
The realization I had this week, as I snuggled into my cold bed, was that for the first time in my adult life there is no one there jolt awake as I place my icy, cold feet onto his bare legs. There is no other body making warmth, stealing covers, snoring. I used to like to listen to A breathe and try to synchronize the rise and fall of my chest to his. The only night I spent with S, I kept my hand on his thigh the entire time.
Now, I reach over and feel nothing but cool sheets.
But, the thing is, after that twinge of nostalgia passes, I am okay. I grab a pillow, or stuffed hippo to hug and pay attention to my own breathing, my own thoughts. It's not scary, it's not hard, it mostly just is what it is.
More and more I feel like it is time for me to find my own place to live. I've loved having a safe, inexpensive place to be to collect my thoughts, practice being alone, evaluate my choices, but I miss my kids.
I want them to be able to more easily be with me and I want to be closer to them.
I want my own towels in the bathroom cabinet, my own dirty dishes in the sink.
This nest has been lovely, but it's time for this bird to fly.
Possibly over the winter break, I will look for a more permanent place to live.
This afternoon I see my therapist for the first time since August. There will be much to tell her about and I can get her advice on my next move. I need to talk to A. I still feel like reconciliation isn't what he is interested in and I can't say with 100% certainty that I am either, so living apart works.
As for divorce, I am not sure. I think he's more focused on what is happening with the business and I understand. I don't mind affording him time and space to work on the other issues.
I just want to help him more with the kids, the daily stressors, the ups and downs of parenthood and I know I can do it if I move closer and establish my own routines.
So today begins my two week break from work. I plan to use the vacation time wisely, thinking and mapping out the next path I will take.
I can do that, all by myself, wrapped in the warmth of my own breath and blankets.