Saturday, December 4, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 190; Morning Musings

Kenya, my therapist is coming back to town!  Finding that out was a highlight of the week and I immediately made an appointment.

Yes, I realize that my money is funding her jaunts, first to Kenya and then next to Canada, but she's the one I want to tell all of my woes and worries to.  Well, her and the world wide webz.  But, you get my point.

I can't wait to get her up to speed on all that is going on.

More and more, I think things with A are done.   I saw him last night at our neighborhood Happy Hour, but I am not sure we spoke more than one or two sentences to each other.  It makes me a little sad to type that, but in the moment I certainly had no problem with it.

I texted him on Thursday night and again he said he likes being apart more than being together.  Not too much a person can do about that.   But if that is the case, I want to conclude the detachment.  These lingering threads that bind us (other than the kids, I know we will forever be bound in that way) are far more painful than I realized.

I want to be able to look at him with nothing but neutrality and friendship in my eyes.   Looking at him and longing for something that neither of us can muster hurts too much.

I'm working on just being.   Being alone.  Being me.  Being happy.

I think "June", one of my followers asked if I ever tried to just be happy in the moment (or something to that effect) and the answer is yes!  Yes, I do!

R and I laugh all the time.  I love her and miss her.

I love the sunshine and turn my face to it always to let it warm me from the inside out.

Music is my salvation and while it can bring me down at times, it also lifts me and helps me soar.

My job is wonderful, even when I hate it and I thank God for it daily.

And then there are my kids...with their stinky heads and sweet smiles.  They bring supreme joy.

I'm gonna make it a good day.  With or without A or S or anyone.


  1. There y'go!
    Now you're cookin' with gas! ;-P

  2. Something to consider...did you make more progress while your therapist was gone? Seems like in the past few months you made some big decisions.