Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 186; Oz

I spoke with A on Sunday evening when he returned from his parents.  I cried and told him of my recent thoughts, my worries, my hope that if we could only speak each others love language, we could make this work.   

He told me he loved me, but that he feared he could never be what I wanted or needed him to be and that when that happened, he had no trust in what I would do.

I asked if I had come to him before the affair, would things be different, and in all honesty, he answered that he didn't know.

I left dejected, devastated, and demoralized.

He had a wonderful weekend without me, feeling free and unencumbered and I sincerely believe he is happy, quite relieved with this separation.

I made my bed, I'm lying in it as I type.

Yesterday, I ventured over to a friend's blog.  Months ago he wrote a very moving piece about parting with the one you love, about dream's not always working out as you thought, about moving on in life, despite your broken heart.

It is entitled "The End of the Rainbow" and it moved me to tears.  I still weep, hours after reading it, when I think of how beautifully he explained such a sad time in  his life, in my life now.

This morning, I feel like Dorothy, chanting 'there's no place like home'.   But is home the proverbial Kansas or the facade that was Oz?   

Am I the Wicked Witch for having the affair, for not being able to articulate my needs before straying?

Or am I a tangled mess of The Scarecrow, The Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion?

Funny, it seems I could play all of the roles and maybe that is the brilliance in the story.   In us resides the capacity, the ability to assume any of those roles at any given time in our lives.

No real answers today, just questions.


  1. I'm sure the answers will come in time, Kate...in the meantime, repairing a broken heart is never an easy task. There will be times when you feel as if you can tackle the world with all your might and energy, and then suddenly, far too quickly, your spirits plummet like a bird with clipped wings.

    You must let your feathers grow back. Eventually, you will be able to fly once again. :-)

    -Your Cheerleader

  2. Hummm...so A is finding some relief in getting away from the drama. Something to think about. Can you give it a rest for a week and see if that gives you some of that elusive peace? Sometimes distance can provide perspective. Maybe you haven't gotten enough distance yet.

  3. I feel your pain, Kate (from another Kate with a broken heart). Time will heal it, believe me: just keep focusing on your hobbies, your work, your writing, your health, and soon enough, the old Katester will be back. :-) Sending lots of peace!

  4. How much does "unavailability" light your fire?
    Sometimes everything works out better, or at least feels better, if we just stop poking at it for a while.
    Do you think you could take a break from thinking about broken hearts for a while and turn toward simple everyday pleasures?

  5. Thank you all for reading and for your comments.

    I've always dreaded them. I will be honest. But i vowed from the beginning to post them, NO MATTER WHAT. I think you can attest to the fact that I've never "deleted" your words, even when I really, really wanted to. :)

    I don't always "like" what you say, but I know that somewhere in your words is a truth I need to hear.

    So, again, thank you for your support and hard ass words of wisdom. My mom is gone, so I appreciate you stepping in. ;)

    I know I continue to disappoint, but I'm headed in the right direction. Of that, I feel certain.