I had a dream about A on Thursday night and woke up in a mood. I still haven't shaken it. Here is our latest exchange.
Hey, I've sort of been trying to reach you today, pretty much to no avail. I suppose you are busy. I suppose you don't want me bugging you during the day. I am sorry. I've tried to just get on with the day, but I keep coming back to you. I miss you today. I had a dream about you last night and so I woke up in one of those moods, you know, the irritated, sad kind? The dream seemed so real. You were going out on a date tonight with X and Y. I suppose it made all of my weaknesses come out. All the same ones that have haunted me for as long as I can remember. I think I wanted you to read that Love Languages book and finally understand what I needed to fill my tank. I should have been direct with you about it, rather than just handing it to you and hoping you had an epiphany. That list of things to do in the Quality Time chapter are all exactly the type things I want. I guess I am curious if you think you could do those things and if you are even interested anymore in trying?
I'm sorry to bug you about all of this. I think I am just at a spot where I needed to know. I hope you are having fun. We are doing okay. I am ready to be back home, but I can't even define what 'home' is anymore so that's a bit confusing too. I guess I'm just feeling a bit down. Have a good day, Kate
And this is what he wrote back:
I can tell that you are wondering about things. Wondering what there can be between us. Frankly I don't have an answer. I feel 2nd best, 2nd choice. I still feel that you really wanted someone else and not me. I feel that everything I thought I had is gone. I am exhausted. And I'm trying to figure out what I want to do next. I also think it is going to be hard to get over every thing we've been through. I don't trust you the way I want to trust my best friend or my partner. I don't know how to get that back. I also don't trust that I am who you really want. I'm the safe alternative. The backup plan. It seems that you are feeling lonely. That you are wondering again if I can fulfill you. I was trying to do that for 20 years and I failed. I don't have confidence that I can do it. I don't even know if I want to do it given what we've been through. I love you. I do not regret our life together. I worked really hard to make you happy. You broke my heart. Now I have to learn a new way to make you happy. All while feeling like the consolation prize. How do I do that? I am exhausted. I desperately want to move on without feeling like a wimp and a door mat. Without feeling like a failure. How can I do that?Reading this again, my heart continues to break.I am back at the house with the boys, having just arrived home after a 5 hour drive from my sister's house. A is still at his parent's house, so he's not here. The boys and I ate Thai takeout and have now started digging into the Christmas decorations.This feels like where I am supposed to be.I'm so confused and I can't afford to hurt anyone else anymore. I need to figure out a way to refocus and get my head clear.Tonight's blog feels more desperate and whiny than they have in a while, but I'm being honest. I guess that's why they call it the ugly truth.