Saturday, November 27, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 183; Mirror Mirror

I am sad.  My heart is breaking.  I have slipped into panic mode about A and I am not sure what to do.

I had a dream about A on Thursday night and woke up in a mood.  I still haven't shaken it.  Here is our latest exchange.


 I've sort of been trying to reach you today, pretty much to no avail. I suppose you are busy. I suppose you don't want me bugging you during the day. I am sorry. I've tried to just get on with the day, but I keep coming back to you.

 I miss you today. I had a dream about you last night and so I woke up in one of those moods, you know, the irritated, sad kind? The dream seemed so real. You were going out on a date tonight with X and Y. I suppose it made all of my weaknesses come out. All the same ones that have haunted me for as long as I can remember.

 I think I wanted you to read that Love Languages book and finally understand what I needed to fill my tank. I should have been direct with you about it, rather than just handing it to you and hoping you had an epiphany.

 That list of things to do in the Quality Time chapter are all exactly the type things I want. I guess I am curious if you think you could do those things and if you are even interested anymore in trying?

 I'm sorry to bug you about all of this. I think I am just at a spot where I needed to know.

 I hope you are having fun. We are doing okay. I am ready to be back home, but I can't even define what 'home' is anymore so that's a bit confusing too. I guess I'm just feeling a bit down.

 Have a good day,

And this is what he wrote back:

I can tell that you are wondering about things. Wondering what there
can be between us.

Frankly I don't have an answer. I feel 2nd best, 2nd choice. I still
feel that you really wanted someone else and not me. I feel that
everything I thought I had is gone. I am exhausted. And I'm trying to
figure out what I want to do next.

I also think it is going to be hard to get over every thing we've been
through. I don't trust you the way I want to trust my best friend or
my partner. I don't know how to get that back.

I also don't trust that I am who you really want. I'm the safe
alternative. The backup plan.

It seems that you are feeling lonely. That you are wondering again if
I can fulfill you. I was trying to do that for 20 years and I failed.
I don't have confidence that I can do it. I don't even know if I want
to do it given what we've been through.

I love you. I do not regret our life together.

I worked really hard to make you happy. You broke my heart. Now I have
to learn a new way to make you happy. All while feeling like the
consolation prize.

How do I do that?

I am exhausted. I desperately want to move on without feeling like a
wimp and a door mat. Without feeling like a failure.

How can I do that?

Reading this again, my heart continues to break.

I am back at the house with the boys, having just arrived home after a 5 hour drive from my sister's house.  A is still at his parent's house, so he's not here.   The boys and I ate Thai takeout and have now started digging into the Christmas decorations.

This feels like where I am supposed to be. 

I'm so confused and I can't afford to hurt anyone else anymore.   I need to figure out a way to refocus and get my head clear.

Tonight's blog feels more desperate and whiny than they have in a while, but I'm being honest.  I guess that's why they call it the ugly truth.


  1. Hummm...if you are sure that A is what you want, what you really want forever, then it's not about what you want anymore. You need to shift your focus to what he wants and needs. Can you give him what he needs? Unless you can do this, he's lost to you.

    If you really want's time to beg and show him that you will do whatever it takes and you are ready to accept him for what he is.

    His response to you was surprising. He put his eelings right out there.

    Be brave...what do you really want? If you don't want him as he is, let him go.

  2. One good thing is that A is in a place where he can be totally frank and honest with you. That is a good thing. You know where he stands. I know you want assurances from A, but the cold hard truth is that he has been there for you all the way, and more that you, he is the one who is going to have to be assured. Assured that you have both feet in the marriage, that he is number one in your life and that he is good enough for you and that you think he is wonderful.Also assured of your complete and utter remorse.( Are you remorseful?) An affair makes the partner who has been cheated on feel not good enough ( Like S made you feel only worse, because you weren't married to S) It will only work if you want A more than air itself and if you feel like you would rather die than live without A.
    Take it from someone who has stood in A's shoes,
    Your focusing on your needs will only reinforce the feeling that he has of not being good enough, it is a big ask for A to take you back, he will have to work hard, very hard at forgiving you, and even harder at trusting you, and if the prize for all this hard work is to be in a relationship where you still think he ought to change to "fit you" means he will have to work extremely hard just to feel crappy about himself again. - an unfair ask and it assumes he has no feelings and needs in all this. He deserves to be adored and cherished. Can you do that?
    What are your plans to make up to him, for the collateral damage acquired at your hand as a result of your unfaithfulness? How are you going to assure him of your love and faithfulness? What are your plans to help him relearn to trust you?These are all questions in A's mind that need answering before he will be able to go back there to the ground zero of the relationships crash and rebuild. It is easier for him to move on. It will hurt less.I'm grateful for your blog, it helps me to understand the behavior of my ex, I hope my comments will be helpful to you even though they may feel like a bit of a slap to the face. ( which I hope they don't)
    I hope you both find the happiness you both deserve.

  3. Wow, A did a beautiful job of expressing his feelings. It seems like you have identified what you think you need from him. What can you give him? What is his love language? Can you give him what he needs?
    I don't read consistently so you may have posted this without me seeing it. Have you uncovered the reason you went outside the marriage? Have you addressed that issue to ensure it won't happen again? This can't all be about what A can do for you. What can you do for yourself and for him?
    A does seem like the safe consolation prize. There is no safety for him in moving forward with you.
    Have you been to marriage counseling? It might help to work through these issues with a third party. I know money is tight.
    Please realize this is not said in a mean way. Just trying to speak to you from the betrayed spouse's perspective. I'd suggest he visit (you too).
    Wishing you the best. I keep rooting for your marriage.