The lump rests at the base of my throat, unsure about whether to move up or down. If I inhale slowly, the oxygen just glides behind the lump, it doesn't push it down. Exhaling does nothing either.
I was having a good day. A good evening even. And then, I went to Facebook. I don't care for Facebook anymore and probably should just delete my account. For the most part, there is nothing to say or do there.
I looked at A's Facebook page but there is no new activity there. I'm not sure why there would be or why I would care. Well, okay, I can figure out why I'd care, but I don't want to. I don't want to be numb to A, but I do.
Today on the phone, I asked if he'd had a chance to read the chapter in the love languages book and he had not. I felt dejected. The very chapter I want him to read is about filling my emotional tank with attention and quality time. Even when I ask for something specifically, he isn't able or willing to do it.
Yes, I understand I just gave him the book. Actually, I know I am overreacting. One day is a ridiculous expectation.
Okay, no more bitching about A. I do hope he reads it though because I am anxious to hear his thoughts.
I can't wait to get to my sister's house and relax and visit. It will be great to see all of them.
It seems the lump has dissipated. I can't find it now, I won't be crying right now, possibly later. Surely later.
I'm still scared. There are so many unknowns. I want a vision, some hope for where I am headed. I want more permanence and my boys with me.
Inhale. Exhale.
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
Just have a good time at your sister's and rest for a while. The lump comes and goes from time to time, but it will eventually recede. :-)
ReplyDeleteAnd a bit early, but Happy Thanksgiving!
-Your Cheerleader
I am enjoying the warm Texas weather...what a blessing to have warm breezes in November. I left Oregon in a blizzard! I am counting my blessings this Thanksgiving.
ReplyDeleteYou've got some things to be thankful for also...you are bravely moving forward on a path seeking a rewarding life for yourself and your boys. Yeah, it's hard, but most things of value are. Count your blessings this Thanksgiving and I wish you all the best.