Monday, November 22, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 178; Lump

The lump rests at the base of my throat, unsure about whether to move up or down.  If I inhale slowly, the oxygen just glides behind the lump, it doesn't push it down.   Exhaling does nothing either.

I was having a good day.  A good evening even.  And then, I went to Facebook.   I don't care for Facebook anymore and probably should just delete my account.   For the most part, there is nothing to say or do there.

I looked at A's Facebook page but there is no new activity there.  I'm not sure why there would be or why I would care.  Well, okay, I can figure out why I'd care, but I don't want to.   I don't want to be numb to A, but I do.

Today on the phone, I asked if he'd had a chance to read the chapter in the love languages book and he had not.   I felt dejected.   The very chapter I want him to read is about filling my emotional tank with attention and quality time.  Even when I ask for something specifically, he isn't able or willing to do it.

Yes, I understand I just gave him the book.  Actually, I know I am overreacting.  One day is a ridiculous expectation.

Okay, no more bitching about A.  I do hope he reads it though because I am anxious to hear his thoughts.

I can't wait to get to my sister's house and relax and visit.   It will be great to see all of them.

It seems the lump has dissipated.  I can't find it now, I won't be crying right now, possibly later.  Surely later.

I'm still scared.   There are so many unknowns.   I want a vision, some hope for where I am headed.  I want more permanence and my boys with me.

Inhale.  Exhale.


  1. Just have a good time at your sister's and rest for a while. The lump comes and goes from time to time, but it will eventually recede. :-)

    And a bit early, but Happy Thanksgiving!

    -Your Cheerleader

  2. I am enjoying the warm Texas weather...what a blessing to have warm breezes in November. I left Oregon in a blizzard! I am counting my blessings this Thanksgiving.

    You've got some things to be thankful for are bravely moving forward on a path seeking a rewarding life for yourself and your boys. Yeah, it's hard, but most things of value are. Count your blessings this Thanksgiving and I wish you all the best.