Monday, November 8, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 164; Declining

Things are pretty good.

I went to see the boys after school and they are so engrossed in playing with the neighborhood kids, they hardly know I am there.

First, I arrived and did some household chores.  I don't and never intended for A to be a single dad, so I want to help him out as much as possible.

Then I went outside where the kids were playing and sat with them.  They were involved in this amazingly, creative game of tag and so I basically sat and watched.

Me being there is more of presence sort of thing than a "let's do this and that together" sort of role.

I am fine with that if it still manages to help the kids and let them know how much I love them.

It's the walking through the house that is hard.

A organized the bedroom apparently and cleaned off my nightstand.

Mind you, I gave up the rights to that nightstand when I moved out and I KNOW that.  But seeing it devoid of any sign of me is pretty weird.   My lotion was in the bathroom cabinet and all my self help books about relationships had been moved to  my closet floor.

It was slightly weird.

Another weird thing is that none of my friends have messaged me or texted me to see how I am doing, save two of them.

I know that one of my friends knows I've done this.  She lives right down the street and saw A at a neighborhood birthday party on Saturday and I wasn't there.

Why hasn't she even texted to see how I'm doing or to ask if she might offer some help?

I suppose I shouldnt' worry about such things, but it does slightly strike me as odd.

Only thing is though, I really used and abused my best friends this past year as I moaned about S and all of his shit, so possibly they are spent?

I realize I've been quite needy of late.

The absolutely cool thing is that despite anyone's interest or concern or help, I moved out.  I finally did it.

And I've stuck with it, if only for a week.

Tonight, my oldest son asked me to stay for dinner and I graciously declined.  I could not see the merit in that.

I will have the boys tomorrow night, overnight and we already have plans to eat out.

I told him no because I couldn't bear to sit across the table from A.   The memories and expectations are just too much.

But ultimately, I feel good and today has been a strong day.

More and more I realize, I CAN do this!


  1. Yes!

    I just read your previous post and now, to read this one...I'm proud of you. :-)

    Don't worry about your "friends." The real ones are those who will truly stick with you. (They may also be a bit busy with their lives, though)

    -Your Cheerleader

  2. You can do it! Wouldn't it be nice to fast forward to the time that you can look back and be amazed at how far you've come. You'll get there. Keep you eyes on the prize...the kids are doing fine and you're finding some peace. Be strong!