Finding Forty, Day 170; No Going Back

Six days!   It's been a crazy six days.  Well, okay, relatively crazy.  I was away at a conference for three of them and now the weekend has almost past.

Today is A's birthday.  I had the kids this weekend and we spent yesterday running errands, buying him a few presents and making his cake.  It's our tradition that we decide what type cake he gets, then we do our best to make it.

It was hard this year to think of something for him.   He's had such a shit time of things lately, I wanted to try to come up with something like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Part of me wishes I could have baked a heart shaped cake to give to him, but that wouldn't be fair.

Being at the house has been hard.  I spent last night here, in our youngest son's bottom bunk.  It's not as contrived as it might seem.  He and youngest son had gone to a football game, middle son was having a sleepover with a friend, so oldest son invited two friends over for a sleepover.  We decided the house would be better than at my place, considering the friend I rent from doesn't have kids, so A asked if I would stay until he got home.   I asked if I could sleep in the other room if I got tired.   So that's what happened.

But it's hard.  This was my house for 12 years and I know it's nuances inside and out.  The majority of my things are here, it's just been our life, our routine for over a decade.   When I'm here, I feel like I should be here.   When I'm away, that feels right also.

I'm thinking that part of what is contributing to this messed up head I'm feeling is that I saw S on Friday.   On my way home from the conference, I drove past his work, called him, and stopped by.  I didn't go inside the building, he came out to my car and we talked for about 15 minutes.

It was an interesting situation.   I called for about 15 minutes prior to reaching him and his line was busy.   When it finally rang through, I said, "Hi, it's me,"  just assuming he'd know who 'me' was.   He replied, "Hey!" and when I said, "I'm just driving through town on my way home," he said, "Oh, I thought you were just who I was on the phone to.  You sound just like her."

What?   My brow furrowed and of course, I had to ask who he was talking to.  It turns out he was talking to he and his wife's hairdresser.   He's told me before that she's attractive, a former stripper even, and apparently they were talking to iron out some plans for the weekend because they were going to do something couple related.

But my instinct tells me there is something more going on.  Just the way he assumed I was her.   It left an unsettled feeling in me.

Also, he looked horrible.  As I stood in front of him, I noticed his tired, puffy, wrinkled eyes.   His hair was a wreck.  His clothes disheveled.

His truck, parked next to where we were had a dent in the passenger door and the side view mirror was damaged.   When I asked what happened, he said he'd' gotten a 'whiskey dent'.   Apparently, from what he could remember, he'd hit another car as he was backing out of a parking spot leaving a bar.

When I asked how he was doing, he said "great".   He said he'd realized how much he loved his life and his wife and how he'd never do anything to jeopardize that again.   I pointed out that he'd figured all of that out at my expense and he acknowledged as much and apologized.

We hugged goodbye and I drove off.   I didn't cry.   More and more, it hit me that I fell in love with an alcoholic who is addicted to not only beer, but to his lifestyle.   He might have had all of the feelings he had for me at one point in time, but they were never enough to pull him away from the lifestyle he so loves.

It was quite disheartening, but eye opening at the same time.  

So, then, seeing A at our house, looking cute and sweet, really pulled at  my hearstrings.

But, I know there's no going back.  There's only what comes next and what that might be is left to be seen.

A is good with us apart and I am genuinely happy for that.  He deserves goodness in his life.

We are still friends and that is good.

As a matter of fact, we are off to his birthday lunch!