Sunday, November 7, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 163; Translations

So, I fell behind in my novel writing and had to make up for it today.   I think I wrote about 5,000 words today to get me back on schedule.

I suppose I should be grateful for the free time to be able to do something as luxurious as what I did, which was lay in bed while typing on my sweet new laptop and write.  What a life!

Unfortunately, I'm writing pure drivel.  It's barely fiction, as it's primarily about my love life saga.   I'm not really sure what my intentions were because I'm finding that dredging up the past is quite painful.  But, hopefully all is not lost because as the author of my novel I get to orchestrate my ending.   I'm sure it will consist of our lovely but lost heroine somehow finding all the things she longed for and needed.

It was A's weekend with the boys.  I saw them on Friday at our neighborhood potluck, but it was nice.  Being there but being separate from A was nice.   He got there late and it was no big deal.  He left early and it didn't even hurt my feelings.  That is huge progress.    Now, you might ask, why can't I separate my emotions when I'm there as his "wife" and honestly, I don't know the answer to that question.

Last night, I went out with a girlfriend to hear an 80's cover band.   While I'm not looking for love, I wanted to look nice and certainly would have let a gentleman buy me a drink or have a dance, but it was bizarre.  I felt fake.  I felt like I wasn't wearing clothes that were me, I felt fat, and frankly, I felt a bit desperate.   I kept looking at all the men there wondering if they'd ever make me feel the way S made me feel, or if they'd ever love me the way A did.   I know those are questions that can't be answered.

It wasn't what I wanted at all, which more and more I'm realizing that what this time is for is reflection and learning how to love me.  Learning  how to be with just me is one of the hardest things I've ever done and it's only been a week.

So, today, I called A to check on the boys and I ended up going to lunch with them and just hanging out at the house for about 2 hours.    I can't really explain how it felt.  I didn't cry this time when I left.  A and I can talk and we even hugged goodbye.

And I'm just trying to figure out what I miss.  Everything I am, everything I own, everything I was and thought I would be are tied to that house, that man, those boys.

R, my best friend, tells me that I am more than a relationship, more than a house, more than a job.  But if I'm NOT those things, then what am I?   That is the scariest question of all.

Many days, I still don't like who I am.  I fail myself constantly.   I eat more than I should, I decide not to work out, I am constantly saying things to people that I instantly regret.   And I don't know how to just STOP being that way.   And harder still, I don't know how to just accept that that's how I might just be.

So, I'm alone.  My husband is in our house, our life, with our sweet, beautiful boys.  And I'm here trying to find my answers.     I feel like the answers are here, a leather bound tome of knowledge, but when I open the pages, the script is in an exotic foreign language.  If I could just find the translation.

But I still feel like this is the move we have to make, the place we are, so we accept it and continue moving forward towards progress.

I can't get down, if I do I fear I'll  be swept away.


P.S.   To my sweet and loyal followers, your words mean so very much to me and I have been so lax in commenting back to you and reading your blogs.  I will remedy that soon!   You do more for me than you know.   Thank you for your encouragement.  xoxo, K


  1. Why were you the one to leave? Why didn't A leave? Is it a foregone conclusion that A will have physical custody of the kids? Oh, just tell me to mind my own business! Leaving the kids would be the hardest thing for me, much harder than leaving a husband!

    Hang in there. I have faith that you'll figure it out. I'm impressed that you're managing to keep up with NaNoWriMo with the massive changes in your life. Keep up the exercise; it will help level your emotions.

  2. Hey Nana,

    I moved out because we can't afford for either of us to rent an apartment at this point in time.

    I had the coworker/friend who had this amazing set up that was very affordable.

    Financially, it made sense for me to leave. I didn't have to buy any furniture for this temporary move.

    If we go ahead and get divorced, custody would be as close to 50/50 as possible, with the intent being to cause as little upheaval as possible.

    Whichever one of us eventually moves out, the apartment would be as close to the house as possible (I think). Ideally, we'd love to have a house in the same neighborhood so the kids could ride their bikes or walk to/fro.

    Also, if we do split up and declare bankruptcy, I'll be the one who can afford the house.

    Sooo, this is why. It's not perfect, but we make do. And we really do both share the belief that we will all be okay, at some point in time, we really will.

    And yes, I'm enjoying the NaNoWriMo. I'm proud of myself for doing it and I don't want to mess up.

  3. Who knows, Kate? You may just write the next "Eat Pray Love" during this month.

    And as it just have to take each day as it comes.

    Yesterday, I broke off all ties with someone who used to be close to me. In the past, we got along very well. But with time and each passing day, I couldn't ignore the fact that we were completely different individuals: we no longer had common likes, we barely were able to have a proper conversation with each other.

    It was time to let go.

    I may regret my decision for a few days but, overall, I just knew what had to be done.

    (Sorry for turning this comment back onto me...)

    Anyway, you seem to be progressing by not having to cry every time you leave the house. That is a good sign. The lonliness, however, is something that takes adjustment. Heck, I'm still trying to get used to being "on my own" here in France without Mom to help and comfort me.

    But you do get used to it. Eventually!

    Just take each day as it comes...

    -Your Cheerleader