Monday, November 1, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 157; Trying

Blur, blur, and even more blur.   I feel so strange.  I'm lonely beyond belief and nothing seems to spark me.  Work keeps me busy enough that I don't have time to feel too sad and even though home has been feeling like the place I want to be, I'm still moving out.

Yesterday we told the kids.  It went better than expected, but still hurts like hell.  There were no real tears and in telling them I feel like a ton of bricks was released from my chest.   The only thing is, I think I merely dispersed the weight among my children.

Ultimately, I have a firm and strong belief that they will be fine.  They are so resilient and are so loved.   In telling them I was moving out for a trial separation, we gave them the gift of truth.  No more pretending, no more facade.

It doesn't answer their questions of "why?" or "what happens after the trial separation?", but it does show them that there is such thing as courage in the face of turmoil.

I'm at home right now, having come here straight from work.  I'll most likely get dinner started and head out to my friend's house after that.

I will miss my boys.  I must see them daily, feel their warmth, squeeze their soft skin.

I miss A too.   I can hardly think of him without crying.   

Is that a good thing?  I don't know yet, but if being apart brings us closer, then I have to give it a try.


  1. Maybe this will be the catalyst that will bring you clarity and even bring you back together? Who knows, I believe in miracles....

  2. Only time will tell, my dear.

    I wish you more than just good luck for this separation...just remember that you are resilient as well!

    -Your Cheerleader.