We, the boys and I, made it to my sister's for Thanksgiving with little fanfare and much ease. I made sure to wear my brightest smile and be on my best behavior.
Out here, I have to choose my words wisely for fear of the attack. My honest words get me in trouble when I visit my sister. She doesn't understand how I could be unhappy with A, with my marriage, with life in general.
Her overarching philosophy is that life is a choice, our attitudes are choices and even if things are not great, she chose them and therefore she can now choose to make them work for her.
It makes me feel so emotionally needy and inferior. Why can't I just choose to be happy with A? She says she would never tear her children's family apart but is quick to add that she does not judge me for doing so.
Wait. I'm sorry. I'm confused.
As I type this, I fear she will read it or catch wind of it. She would not understand my neediness or my wanting to search for more in life. I can't explain it to her. I can't tell her how empty I have felt with A, with myself, with life in general. She has no tolerance for wimps.
She pointed out yesterday that it was my first Thanksgiving in 21 years without A. I hadn't yet formulated that realization on my own. Wow. It smarts to hear it said out loud.
I missed him a bit yesterday. I have what I call "book end" emptiness. I miss him at the beginning of the day and at night before I go to bed.
Doesn't help that I dreamed about him last night going out with two 'girls' that we went to high school with. I woke up with a most unsettled feeling, almost panic, worrying if I was making the right choice.
The thing is, I think A, even though he wanted our marriage to work, is doing quite alright with me out of the picture. I also think that what I need for him to do to come back to the marriage and make it work are things he is not willing or able to do.
I suppose I should ask him because I can now tell him exactly what I need.
Maybe we will talk later.
That is, if I can get some reception out here in the country.
An addendum: After having vented, I feel much better. The day is beginning and I am enjoying her company again. I think I awoke in a very "poor misunderstood me" mode, but I am shaking that negativity and I plan to enjoy this crisp, gray, fall day with people I love and who I know, when it is all said and done, love me.
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
On a Thanksgiving Day five years ago, after Husband and I got back together the previous month (his having suddenly vacated the premises for three weeks) my sister was quick to point out a remark he had made in jest. I had heard, decided to ignore it, and she made sure that I knew about it...
ReplyDeleteOh man. Y'gotta love sisters.
Y'can't kill 'em, after all.
I always wanted a sister, but now I'm thinking maybe a brother was the better sibling for me!
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT a wimp. It takes courage to make a change and courage to face your reality and courage to decide that you deserve more. There are no merit badges awarded to those who just get along. Life is too short not to get what you want or need. God, I do watch too much Oprah! Hang in there...Be brave.
Here is my comment on choices, as you know I'm of the philosophy that of course life is choices but that there are no wrong or right choices. There just IS. So if said sister makes a choice and says 'Hm, I made that choice so I need to live with it and 'make it work'. I call bullshit, because everyone has free will to change the choices by making other choices. There is no 'making it work' really. If you have to force something to 'make it work', then..it really ain't working! And seriously, could I use the word 'choice' in one paragraph any more? Live according to YOU, not the expectations of others.
ReplyDeleteWell said Kathleen!
ReplyDelete