Sunday, November 28, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 184; The Language of Love

Thank you all for your honest comments.  I probably shouldn't have posted our personal emails, but I did.  I'm not sure why I share so much.  Maybe to help others who are going through what we are going through, maybe to garner insight from readers.

One thing, though, is that I was not looking for pity.  I appreciate everyone's responses, but I will not be able to answer each question.  To begin with, I don't have the answers.  I suppose if I did, I wouldn't be at this place in my life.

I can say this.  I am remorseful for the affair and I have shared this with A.   He knows how sorry I am and how I wish it had never happened.

Having an affair strips you of everything.

Yes, if I choose to fight for this marriage and fight for A, I realize I become the person who has to give more than she takes,  proving to A how sorry I am and how I am back in this 100%.  I might have to be the person that does this for the rest of my life.

A's love language is Acts of Service.  It is how he expresses love and wants to receive love as well.   Acts of Service is 4th on my list of love languages, so for all those years, when he was trying so hard, he wasn't filling me up emotionally.  Yes, I appreciated everything he did for me, but for the most part, I walked around empty and lonely.

As for him, his tank was mostly full.   I was a stay at home mom who cared for the kids and did things around the house.  Yes, there were specific acts of service I failed at (having dinner decided and ready when he got home from work and other household tasks), but for the most part, I was willing and able to do those.

If you had asked him before the affair if he was happy in our marriage, he would have said yes.   And he will still admit that today.

Mine was a resounding no, but at the time, I didn't have the tools to communicate with him what it was I needed from him and I am terribly sorry for that.

Having the affair stripped me of my right to ask for what I need.

Gary Chapman, in The 5 Love Languages, says that you can ask your spouse to learn to speak your language, even if it does not come naturally to them.    He goes on to say that a spouse who speaks a language other than their own is actually shower deeper love by working harder.

If only I'd asked A before the affair, before the trust was shattered and the heart broken.

The book truly opened my eyes.   Like I said, I wish I would have found it sooner.

If you are interested in finding out more about it, have a look here.

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