Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 208; Patterns

I'm noticing a pattern with myself and will be curious to see if it continues through the year.   When I enter my PMS phase of my monthly cycle, I lose my strength and fortitude and ask A if he wants to reconcile.   It happened at Thanksgiving and it happened this week.

Come to think of it, it could have something to do with the holidays, but either way, I am onto myself and will watch closer from here on out.

Each time I've asked A if he thinks we should reconcile, he says 'no'.   We texted our way through it all this time around and even though I couldn't see his face, I felt his earnestness, his sincerity.   I didn't feel as though there was an overabundance of anger.

He said we were a recipe for failure and that he finally believed that we were not meant to be together.  He said I'd been indicating that for some time with my actions and he was just now ready to accept that and believe it.   He also questioned my motives for wanting to get back together, feeling that I was motivated by fear and loneliness.

Again, I couldn't necessarily deny those claims.

So, I asked the big question.

"Does this mean divorce?"  and he replied that it did.

Standing in the aisle of the toy store, the silent tears streamed down my face.    What he said hurt deeply, but I knew there was truth  in the words.

He said he wanted to focus on being a dad, the thing he does best in this world and that he deserved to find someone who loved him just as he was.

And he does.   I never meant to not be that person.  

I hope he finds happiness, although in all honesty, I am no where near able to envision that happiness with someone else.

Yes, I'm a hypocrite, but I promised to always be honest here, so there you have it.

As it stands, we plan to discuss the divorce after the holidays.  I am assuming we will start getting things in order the week after Christmas.

I could be sad, and will be.   Profoundly.

But I can also look towards a New Year with new beginnings.

There's hope in that, right?


  1. That PMS cycle certainly is a powerful thing isn't it? A is being very strong too and quite committed in his course. I have a question for you though. His resoluteness in making this a permanent separation, ( if you are very honest with yourself) does it make you want him back more or less? Also is it easier for you to let go because of his stance or is it harder for you? If he wavered how would you be feeling now?
    Hope you are doing ok,

  2. and the hormone shifts just get more pronounced as you go deeper into your 40s--whee!

    to new beginnings to you, girl.


  3. I completely understand what you mean about the PMS and losing your fortitude.

    But it's awesome that you're looking at the new year as a way to find new beginnings. Keep the positive attitude and make small changes everyday. Hope you're having a wonderful holiday season.

  4. When I used to have PMS, every single month I would spend a few days thinking my life was complete crap, hopeless, etc. etc. etc. So yeah...I can see where there would be a pattern, and I sure can see myself doing just what you've been doing.

    It is sad to think of divorce. But y'can't reconcile with somebody who doesn't want to.
    And you know what?
    Yes, you'll be sad.
    But . . . God, what a relief it'll be. Eventually.

  5. Be strong, you already know what you want to do, don't you? How's the search for new living arrangements going?

    I wish you all the bes this holiday season and in the new year. Be safe, be happy.

  6. Though we have not talked lately, I love you and I'm always here for you.

    You deserve to find someone that fills your needs and loves you just as you are as much as he does. I've no doubt you will find him when the time is right.