Christmas was costly, but I knew it would be. Financially, at least.
What I hadn't factored into my budget was the emotional costs I would end up paying.
Naively, I entered the holiday weekend with plans to sleep over with A and the boys. There was just no way I was ready to be apart from them during this most holy of family traditions and times.
As Christmas Eve fell upon us, so did a feeling of general malaise and lethargy. I was getting sick at Christmas!
A offered his bed and he slept in the bottom bunk in one of the boy's rooms. I slept well, but felt horrible. Christmas Day we happily waltzed through our traditional dance of gifts, breakfast casserole, eggnog, stockings, and more gifts to finally collapse amidst a mountain of goodies and torn paper and ribbons.
Perched on the couch, under homemade quilts, with the fire roaring nearby, I was in Heaven.
I looked at our boys, looked at A and truly wondered where and why I had fallen off the path.
I pretended, for three days, that life was as it once was. Idyllic, slow, cozy, and warm.
For three days I wore flannel, comfy socks, my hair clipped back off my fresh washed face and dreamed that A would fall in love with me all over again.
I pictured all of our good times, the best times, our dreams and hopes encapsulated in that weekend, like one of those Christmas tree ornaments that magically holds a photo inside the transparent bauble.
As the weekend came to an end and A prepared to leave for work yesterday, I tentatively broached the subject of us, our life, our ghosts...past, present, and future.
And again I was met with the same gentle, but firm reply.
Apart is how A wants us to be. He can't trust me and I'm not sure I can either. He can't give me what it is I"ve needed and wanted for so long. At the end of the day, there is nothing left for me.
I struggled with the weekend, needing to know if it was reality or a dream. I think it was something in between.
There were times in our life when the reality was dreamlike and magical and this weekend was one of those.
Part of me is happy my kids could witness their parents together, but separate. Part of me aches at the thought of our future holidays where we spend time apart out of circumstance.
My emotional bank account is empty. It's time to replenish it so I have more to spend when the next bump in the road comes my way.
Was it a Merry Christmas?
Absolutely!
Was it the hardest Christmas I've ever experienced?
Most definitely.
But next weekend heralds a New Year with new beginnings!
I say bring it on!
In 2010, I turned 40 and spent a great part of that year figuring out some serious stuff in my life. Newly 42, I'm still on the path of discovery but feel I've come quite far. This tiny space is my save haven, one of the only places I can come to work through my worries, fears, exaltations, and endeavors. Thank you to those who've helped me along the way and those of you who stop by to read my crazy thoughts. Enjoy!
my way of dealing with crisis at X-mas was to not celebrate at all. it worked out for me :) and i'm glad it's over and the new year is ahead. i have a heartfelt understanding for the time you're going through.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written.
ReplyDeleteMaybe he just needs some time to come to come to his senses. How could he not?
I really hope it works out.
I spent all morning reading All of your old posts! You have an awesome way with words and you write with such honestly and emotion!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how old you are but I'm pretty sure I am older than you are. So if you don't mind I would like to give you some advice. Fight for your husband with all your might!! These feelings that you have for the other man will go away.....I promise you that. I have a very good friend who was in the same situation as you about 4 years ago so I really do know what I am talking about. The love you have for your husband is true love! It's just a different kind of love. Think back about how you felt when you first fell in love with him. My husband is much like yours but over 41 years of marriage I have realized that a husband can't give us everything we need. Your husband loves you..he just shows it in a different way. Show your husband you do love him because I believe you do. Think about your kids and how hard life will be on you all if you get divorced. If you or your husband meet others...from what I have seen with friends you are just going to have different problems. I know several remarried friends and their lives are not any better. If fact as much as they love their new husband, their lives are not good because of ex wives and ex husband and his kids and her kids etc etc. Stop telling your husband everything you are thinking about the other man. Tell him you love him and want to be with only him. I really don't think you will be happy if you get divorced. I hope I haven't offended you by stating my feelings.
Mm. I admit that after all the Christmas festivities, I sit alone in my room and wish I could have someone next to me. (I won't be alone for much longer because my roommates will be returning next week.)
ReplyDeleteI thought about my Ex, especially at night. I wondered how he was doing. I was tempted to wish him a "Merry Christmas."
But I didn't. He is part of my past. I need to look forward to my future.
Let this new year come with better things (and people) for all of us!
-Your Cheerleader
It sounds like the best Christmas possible under the circumstances, and I bet your kids appreciated it . . . a lot.
ReplyDeleteApart is how you want to be too, I think.
It's a general human trait, I think, to want the thing that somebody tells us we can't have, whether or not we actually would/did want that thing if/when we had it. It's nice to have somebody love us and want us. It's nice to have it be our choice to come or go, stay or leave, and know that others will bend to our whims no matter what.
What a well-written and heartbreaking post! Felt like I was there with you. Keep being strong, Kate. That's what Kates do. :-)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Gayle. I wish you luck K
ReplyDelete