Thursday, August 5, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 70; Depleted

Not writing for four days has caused a backlog of thoughts and emotions to jam in my mind. 

"Where did I leave off?  What has happened since?  And how do I feel about it all?"  are the questions pushing and fighting their way to the forefront.

How can so few days seem like ages, especially given the constant nature of time?

A is back at work and I feel anxious.  Within the next few days, big decisions need to be made about our business.   One phone call that must be made is to a bankruptcy attorney.  Yes, we are looking at bankruptcy and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Naturally, I'm worried and never dreamed we might end up bankrupt and as 50% owner of the business, I definitely have a vested interest.

But in so many ways, this business bankrupted us years ago.  

When A decided to quit his six figure job, I wholeheartedly supported him.   I've believed in him all along.  When I think of A, I do not think anything remotely along the lines of failure, quitter, slacker, etc.   I just can't and don't see him that way.

But this business has drained our finances and what I fear most is that it has depleted our emotional resources.   The long hours it demanded took A away from us.  When he did get back home, he was exhausted  and his way to relax was to spend time with the kids.

Yes, I realize I sound shitty complaining about a man who works too hard and spends too much time with the kids.  Most wives would feel so lucky.   And I thought I did too.    But in those years, we repeated a pattern that we'd established first in college, then again in grad school and lastly, with this business.  

In times of great stress for him, he retreats.  He works first to solve the task at hand and somehow, our relationship falls to the bottom of the pile.  I don't think we are uncommon in this, but I do feel that over our 22 year history and given certain life experiences, we couldn't weather this again.  Something had to give (hence the affair, which I fully admit I was wrong in doing.  I should have talked to A about the unhappiness).

I'm not mad at him, nor am I disappointed.  I feel like he's done the best job he knew how to do.   He can't take the blame for the economy bottoming out just as we locked ourselves into this tremendous financial, emotional, and physical commitment.  

But, I am sad.   I hate the thought of his dream failing.  I hate the thought of his dream being such a dynamic part of what wedged us even further apart.   I hate the thought of him having to dip time and time and time again into all of our hard earned savings, plus those of the kids, to put back into this business for it to possibly fail anyway.

The timing of my mid life crisis is another blow.  He already feels like a failure with the business, add his marriage to the mix and what he must be experiencing is horrible.

I'm nervous waiting to find out what he's found out.  I'm anxious to know our financial future, if at the very least, in the short term.

We have kids to feed, bills to pay, life to live.    I want to know our plan and what we do next.

Ironically, when we do talk bankruptcy, I sort of get a bit of a hopeful feeling.   Could the end of the business mean a brighter future for us in terms of his stress level and time constraints or freedom?  Would he be a different person once that burden was lifted?   Or would the sting of taking that risk and failing (his words, not mine) be too strong and we'd be living with someone who was miserable?

I don't know.

What I do know is that no matter what happens to us as a couple, he won't go through any of this alone.  

And in the end, we really will all be fine.


  1. I feel for you. The economic down turn has changed the dreams of many people. My husband also left a 6 figure job back in 2000. The current state of the economy has us regrouping and trying to figure out how to take and keep the financial pressure off. At times I feel powerless. I have alway been and will be my husbands biggest fan but it is clear to me that I am not the one steering the ship. That in itself causes a certain level of stress for me.
    It was a choice I made to stay home and raise a family. Now at 52 with grown children, I am feeling like I am not an equal partner. If you can get the financial pressure off, you will both feel better. That seems to be easier said than done....Hang in there

  2. Thanks!

    Like you, I stayed home to raise the kids and only went back to work last year (mostly out of financial necessity). That decision turned out to be one of the highlights of my past year.

    We shall see.

    Again, thanks.

  3. Did you have a career that you were able to return to or did you go in a entirely different direction? I think maybe I should return to the work place.
    I haven't worked in 28 years wont be easy to just jump back in.

  4. I stop by to read once in awhile. You once said we are leading somewhat parallel lives. You are right. Our finances are ok (right now!), but those of the other woman have fallen apart.

    I've wondered if her family was another victim of this economy. I've felt guilty for being judgmental about her situation because she may be a good person. Last few days, I have judged. Not proud of myself, but I have judged.

    Your husband really must be in a low, low place right now. Glad he will not be in it alone. Maybe you will get some good news.

  5. I did have a career that I could return to, so that was nice, but it doesn't pay as well as we'd like.

    No news yet. He's been too busy to talk to an attorney and that was something I feared. He will put this off as long as possible, but this weekend we will talk finances for sure.

    Buckeye...yes, I suppose people can find themselves in this position no matter how good or hard working they are. I certainly know that my actions in the past weren't the result of him being a bad person.