Finding Forty, Day 85; At Rest

I haven't blogged in 3 days!   My mind sort of reels at the thought, while at the same time breathes a sigh of relief.

Honestly, I've had nothing of great interest to say or in Kate terms "ain't no drama or shit been happening".

Mostly I'm tired.   Being back at work after having the summer off has kicked my ass.   Forty finds me fatigued. 

I do so love my job though and as tired as I am, I believe it invigorates me.   When I'm at home all summer, I put off doing mundane tasks like the laundry and the dishes.   "Big deal," I rationalize, "I can always get to them tomorrow."

Not so when you work.   As soon as I get home, I feel inspired to get at least a few things done so that I can earn my rest, my play time.    Seems to make me savor it all the more.

Sometimes I wonder if I had always worked outside the home if I would have had  the affair.    I don't want to pin everything that happened on boredom, for even I know it's far too complicated than that.   More, I think it has to do with me spending my time feeling worthy and important.

When the kids were little, it was so easy to derive pleasure and joy and pride from everything they did.   As they grew older though and became more independent, my role in their lives took a more backseat ride.  

I loved being a stay at home mom, especially in the beginning, but I love being a working mom even more now.   This too could change, but for now, I relish my time away, my time to be me and achieve great things on my own.

It's just long, hard work trying to do it all. 

I truly admire and respect moms and dads who have combined parenting and working through the ages, it's far more daunting that I'd have ever imagined.

So, as I ramble this evening about the status of my working life versus being a stay at home mom, pondering the what if's and the wonder why's, I find myself, in this moment, content.

Content and wiped out, but with a bit of a smile on my tired face.

Not a bad place to be.