Sunday, August 29, 2010

Finding Forty, Day 93; Aimless

What am I?  Very deep question and one I'm not prepared to answer today.   What I mean by this question is, how am I feeling lately?

The past few days, I feel like something floating in water, being pushed along with the current, twirling and moving, being held up by the rocks or pieces of wood protruding through the surface of the water.

Am I a leaf that gingerly fell from a tree?   A twig from a branch?   A piece of paper than accidentally fluttered into the water, littering the surface?   I can't pinpoint.   I just feel the push of the current, the force of the flow and on days like today, I feel helpless to anything but succumbing to the pull.

Friday night, A hurt my feelings and made me mad.   As usual, our neighbors had everyone over for pot luck dinner, laughter and hours of fun.   I got to their house at 6, thinking that A would be there shortly after.   He'd been home from work for hours, as he was the one to pick the kids up from school that day.

On an aside, we never arrive at the same time because with me being the extrovert, I enjoy getting to their house as soon as possible to start socializing.   As an introvert, A likes to get home from work, shower, spend some time alone and then he'll head over with the dog.   It's not unusual for more than an hour to pass before he shows up.

Friday was no different.  When he finally arrived, as usual, we continued to do our own thing.   I've told him that I like it when he comes up to me and acknowledges my presence.   I like it when he will kiss my cheek, hug me, or touch me in some small way.   That rarely happens.    I usually attempt to shrug it off, knowing that sort of thing is hard for him to do.

Many of us were sitting outside while the grill was on, talking and enjoying ourselves.   A didn't want to be out there.   At one point, I looked up and realized he was nowhere to be found.   The dog was still there, but A was gone.

I texted but got no response.  Finally, I called our house.   He answered and explained he'd gone home to check on one of our sons who was grounded.    That made sense, but I expected him to be back soon.   Nope, it was another 30 minutes or so before he showed up.

And when he did finally walk out to the porch where everyone had then congregated, he had the dog on the leash and I knew immediately what that meant.

As he walked towards us, he proclaimed, "I'm calling it a night.  I want to go sit in the air conditioning."

He didn't stop at me to kiss my cheek.   He didn't lean over to tell me goodbye.   He didn't ask if I was ready to come home or say that he'd like me to join him soon.   Nothing.   He didn't even really look at me.   

Am I wrong for that to make me sad?   Is this the punishment I get for having the affair?    The thing is, I think things have always been that way between us and it's just magnified now because I had the affair.   Or maybe I'm finally articulating what I need and want.

As I looked around the table, at the other couples, I realized one friend was sitting in her husband's lap, and the other two couples were sitting next to one another.

I was the only spouse out there alone.

I had to get up and go to the bathroom to cry.   My reality just hurts sometimes.

After the tears were shed, I did feel a bit better and I rejoined the party and ended up staying several hours more.   I danced, laughed some more, and had a really good time.  

It was too late to talk to A about things when I got home that night, and I sort of touched on them a bit yesterday, but I don't know if there is anything really to say.

He knows what I want and feel like I need and I know that he isn't willing or able to give that.   At least not in those situations.

I either have to accept things as they are or make the decision to do something about it.

But for now, I guess I'll just aimlessly float.


  1. I'm glad that you at least found a way to have fun through your moment of pain, Kate.

    Your mention of floating aimlessly reminded me a bit of the song "Aqueous Transmission" by the group Incubus. I'm floating down a river/Oars freed from their holes long ago.

    -French Bean

  2. A few thoughts in response...

    If you think too much about how you feel (physically or emotionally) you will never feel good.

    It might not be all about you, or about you and the affair, or all about anything you think it's about. It might be that he wanted to be in the air conditioning.

    A Wise Woman said to me once: They aren't doing it to you, they're just doing it.

    You said it best: I either have to accept things as they are or make the decision to do something about it.

    And floating along until the next mood comes by is fine. Why not?

  3. While it sounds like you are sort of in limbo, it also sounds like you have some big decisions/events coming up. Maybe don't think of it as being in limbo, but as a time to organize your thoughts and gather strength for the bigger stuff coming up.