Finding Forty, Day 89; Heartbreak

Sometimes I read a Blogspot forum.   It's this place where bloggers gather to shoot the shit and promote their blogs.

For a few months now, I've been trying to "fit in" and be accepted, but I can't really seem to break any ground.

In the past, it might have bothered me, but I've come to just accept it.  I  continue to banter like I'm one of the guys and post as if it might actually matter.

Either way, I enjoy it there, so for me, it's all good.

Today there was a forum thread entitled, "People Enjoy Talking bout romance in general- Question. what's your heartbreak story?"

 Well, you know, immediately I was smitten.

Heartbreak has been the defining state of my life for the past year.

I just had to tell my story.

You all have heard it before, but this is the condensed version I posted tonight:

Never dated in high school.

Started dated at the end of my Sr. year, ended up marrying him.   He was good.   Smart, funny, hard working....all those things that I thought would make a great spouse and father to my kids.   And they did.

Except, at 18...I didn't know shit.   I wasn't being true to what I needed/wanted to thrive.

So... (and yes, I'm an ass and will take any slaying dished out), 21 years into our relationship, I had an affair with an old friend.   A friend from high school.   A former roommate of hubbies from college.

I'd made out with him once when I was 18 (after I'd just started dating future hubby), sparred with him when he was a roomie of hubbie's, but then not seen him again really until our 20 year h.s. reunion.

Sparks flew, emails ensued, and then we took it across the line.

And I fell for him, head over hills. 

For the first time in my life, I was free, I was ME.   I loved him with every fiber of my being and it felt more right (despite how wrong it was) than anything I'd ever known.

I was willing to hurt others because I thought, in the end, true love would prevail.

Then, after telling me he wanted me and that we must be together, he decided to stay with his wife.

And yet, he continued to talk to me and email and see me if I was in town for another 8 months.

This June, he pulled the plug.

Said we were no more and that I must stop thinking of him.   We were done, over, forever.

He even told me all the things he'd said to me were lies.

SO....

Here I am, 40 years old, going through my FIRST heartbreak ever.    I'm married with 3 kids.   My husband knows about this all.

You can imagine how shitty things are.

And yet, my heart continues to break.

I would have NEVER done what I did had I not thought it was for real.

Naively, I thought that if we ended our marriages to be together for TRUE and lasting, forever love, it would even out in the end.

But apparently, I was in a totally different relationship than him.

And I deal with that heartbreak daily.

Each and every minute.

I feel like such an idiot.

And I do.

 And yet, I think of S each and every day. 

 I just can't quit yet.    

His birthday is coming up soon and I think of him.    I wonder what he's doing, how his life is going, if I'll ever see him again and if I do, what would we say.

 I don't like that I'm this way, but I am.  I still miss him.   Even on my busy, crazy days.   

Even when the sun tries to convince me not to.

Even still.