Finding Forty, Day 87: Boys Town

Busy day here.   The kids start school tomorrow and in all honesty, I'm thankful and happy.

Darling son #3 has been experimenting all summer.   Apparently, when left to his own devices he will get as creative as the sun gets hot.

He's taken scissors to his own hair (bangs and crown), drawn faces on several of his sport socks and stuffed them with leaves, stapled them shut and then stapled them onto the structure he was building for his soon to be acquired pet, taken scissors to his own pajama pants and cut a swatch out of them, tried to freeze honey with an action figure perched in it, and really...I could go on and on.

Son #1 told me today that he felt like he wasted his summer playing video games (he did).   He also said that he felt like I didn't want him around much of the summer (I didn't) and yet hearing that verbalized cut me to the core.   I love him, my first born.  He's amazing and funny and smart and surprisingly enough, he's even sweet.  I've been savoring him this past week and it's been nice.  I can't believe he begins the 8th grade tomorrow.

Little middle son is my lost son, or so I tend to believe.  He seems to always be the one lost in the shuffle, never causing quite enough of a stir as his bookend brothers to get noticed.  And yet, he's our rock.   Our dependable, old soul who sees us through.

I love my boys.   I want nothing more for them than a life full of happiness, health, and the best there is to offer.   I want them to learn to live authentically, to believe in themselves, to LOVE themselves, for they are far more amazing than I'm even able to convey.

I worry I've done them a disservice this year.   Being so self absorbed has robbed them of valuable life time.  And yet, I know that until I'm healed or on the mend, I have little to nothing to offer.

Tomorrow starts a new school year and in many ways a new way for us to start fresh.

A visits the bankruptcy attorney on Thursday (thank goodness) and after that we shall know more.

I've been content for several days in a row now, but I worry it's just me biding my time.   I feel cracks in my surface.

Either way, we soldier on.   I'm trying harder than ever to focus on the important things in my life.   My kids.

My self.

We'll all be good, this I know.