Finding Forty, Day 94; Like A Bird

Last night, I asked A where his head was.   What he was thinking about us, what he was feeling.   I just had to.  Things for me lately had felt so clinical, so emotionless, I just needed to know his perspective on it.

I'm glad I asked.

We talked about Friday night's incident.  He was hot and tired, simple as that.   I was having fun and didn't want to leave, simple as that.   Simple, right?  You'd think.  But for us, it's not.

I questioned why he didn't tell me goodbye personally.   He questioned why I didn't get up and walk him out.   It didn't occur to me until today, but he has never asked for that sort of attention from me.   As for me, it's all I've ever asked him for.  I doubt I bring that up to him tonight, but still.

What he said about the last few weeks was that when I am busy and not crying about S all the time, he can be satisfied with our "okay" existence.   I don't think he called it "okay", but it was something along those lines.   Something like...."marginal", "makeshift", "average" relationship.

For him, no tears from me, no drama, means that he can just plod along in a semi happy state for however long.

For me, the past few weeks have just been like treading water.   And I'm getting tired.

Without anger or harsh words on either part, he told me that he's angry that it feels like he has to kiss my ass when I was the one who cheated.   He resents me, I know.   He said that he doesn't care about my car that I bought myself (my first ever) and will only help me when I specifically ask.   Truth be told, I've been trying to take care of it all on my own, but I did have to ask him to follow me to the dealership on Saturday morning while I dropped it off to be serviced.   Guess I should have asked a friend.   What would I do if I were actually single?    He also, basically, said he has built a wall around himself to protect himself from me.   Those words smart and sting, but I also think he's a wise man.

We also talked about the depth of our friendship and the absolute belief we have in one another.

And I do believe in him.  I do.  

I just don't know what that makes him to me or me to him.

As we were beginning to drift off to sleep, finally, after midnight, I realized something.    This marginal existence, where he doesn't feel pressured or  particularly angry or overwhelmingly sad by my longing for S, with me being busy with work (in years past it was with pregnancy and babies and toddlers and preschoolers), this "preoccupied Kate", has allowed him to just live and be, without being too encumbered by my emotions.

And this is precisely what led us to the affair in the first place.    Him accepting the status quo and me being numbed and repelled by it.

I told him this.

He heard me.

I have no idea what happens next.

I wept today as I drove home, during the time when S and I used to talk on the phone every afternoon.

The lyrics from the radio pouring into me, washing over my still broken heart, trying to gel with my confused and mixed up head.

All I could hear was this...